When God Doesn't Behave...

I Know That There's A

2012-01-08T07:32:00.000-08:00

meaning to it all.

A little resurrection every time I fall...

I've had this Switchfoot song stuck in my head, trying to figure out what it's talking about. I've also been re-reading the HP series and I'm finally in The Deathly Hallows. With all the different events and possibilities going on in my life lately, I find this paragraph even more intriguing; I've been wondering about God's timing and purposes behind circumstances and events; how much we affect His will and how His will is intertwined with how well He knows our hearts. It makes me like this conversation between Harry and Ron even more:

"...But if Dumbledore was alive, why wouldn't he show himself? Why wouldn't he just hand us the sword?"

"Search me," said Ron. "Same reason he didn't give it to you while he was alive? Same reason he left you an old snitch and Hermoine a book of kids' stories?"

"Which is what?" asked Harry, turning to look Ron full in the face, desperate for the answer.

"I dunno," said Ron. "Sometimes I've thought, when I've been a bit hacked off, he was having a laugh or-- or he just wanted to make it more difficult. But I don't think so, not anymore. He knew what he was doing when he gave me the Deluminator, didn't he? He--well," Ron's ears turned bright red and he became engrossed in a tuft of grass at his feet, which he prodded with his toe, "he must have known I'd run out on you."

"No," Harry corrected him. "He must've known you'd always want to come back."

Jesus called. He wants His students back.

2011-11-03T08:48:00.000-07:00

My friend over at Soaking Up the Blessings recently blogged about redefining success. And anyone in ministry, in other words, anyone who is trying to serve God with their gifts and talents; knows how hard it is to know if we are being successful. Are we being good stewards? Are we falling short of what God has planned for our gifts and talents HE gave to us? So I dug up this article that I read years and years ago in some youth magazine. Daniel's posted it on Facebook before, so it may be familiar to some of you. Give it a read, I hope you are a bit encouraged.

I always feel like a big geek when I visit high schools. This week is no exception. As I enter the cafeteria I pass long lines of students waiting for food. I watch their eyes flash towards my neon pink visitor's badge; then they whisper and point. It's like the first day of freshman year all over again. Like a nerdy kid looking for someone to sit by, I stand in the door as my eyes scour the lunchroom looking for students from my ministry. A few wave happily back; a few duck their heads and try to avoid my gaze. Why do I even come? I wonder to myself. Am I doing any good? Is this really where God can best use me? What in the world am I going to talk to these kids about today?

As I sort through these feelings of inadequacy I approach the table of two young men in my youth group. The older one is everything you'd want in a youth group kid. He's a senior leader who loves to give devotional talks and really lives it. He loves and leads others and is thinking of going into ministry himself. The student to his left is Wes, a freshman. It's Thursday, and much to his embarrassment, he has to wear his JROTC uniform. Wes has the potential to be a leader in a few years. He recently said goodbye to a rough group of friends and is trying to turn over a new leaf. I really like Wes and want to see him grow.

For 15 minutes we talk about nothing. They tell me about school, homework, and paintball. I beg God for the inspiration to say something meaningful that'll make me feel like my visit was worthwhile. Suddenly the bell rings and they're out the door. I look at the massive crowd of students and feel powerless to do anything that would show them Christ. As I get up and begin to walk out I hear a smack and some screaming behind me. I turn around to see Wes walking away holding his face while a teacher drags another student off toward the office. A moment later the vice principal emerges, grabs Wes, and says to me, "Aren't you his youth pastor? Why don't you come into my office?"

I enter the vice principal's office feeling more helpless than ever. We sit for 15 minutes as the office staff pieces together the details of why the other student walked up and punched Wes. Apparently a third student had incited the attacker by claiming that Wes had said he was going to beat him up. Wes wanted to hit him back but knew he should walk away. Without a clue what to do or say, I mumble clichés such as, "You did the right thing," and, "It takes a big person to walk away." Finally I leave the school feeling like I picked the wrong profession.

Some days I feel like I'm going to walk into my office to see one of those bright yellow "While You Were Out" sticky notes with a handwritten note on the bottom that says, "Jesus called. He wants his students back." I've always struggled with the parable of the talents in which the guy who buried his talent is chastised. At the end of the parable Jesus says, "For to all those who have, more will be given, and they will have an abundance; but from those who have nothing, even what they have will be taken away" (Matthew 25:29). The moral of the story seems to be If you don't have tangible evidence of good works, God will take back what you've been given. In other words, use it or lose it. After a day when you've seen one of your students get punched in the face and had nothing more to offer than cold clichés, it's hard to imagine you're using it. Those are the days I ask the Lord, "Why did you call me to help others if I'm so helpless myself?"

Oh, I never have doubted that I was called. I was led by the Spirit, confirmed by others in the church, and assured through prayer. I underwent years of training and education and have had success in various ministerial contexts. By all accounts I was called to be a full-time minister. But the question that rings out in my head again and again is, "Why do I feel like a failure at my job when I know I'm called to do it?" I bet the wicked servant didn't set out to be wicked. He felt strongly called to bury that coin in the ground. He knew his master was a hard man, ruthless in the way he earned every penny. He was sure the master wouldn't be pleased if the money was gone when he returned. But in the end the servant failed his job, despite his initial confidence that he'd done what he was supposed to do.

Society tells us that the true measure of vocational success must be empirical. Performance reviews, profit sharing, and promotions are all based on measurable success. No one moves up the corporate ladder by being really humble or a servant to all. Corporations take the role of the master giving out the talents. They measure the growth results and throw out the weakest performer. Millions of dollars each year are spent on research to measure and verify that employees are performing well. Some churches operate this same way. They treat their youth ministers like pro athletes. When youth ministers put up big numbers they pile on the praise, but when a slump comes they start looking for a trade to get out of the expensive contract obligation.

What's the measure of vocational success for youth ministry? How do we know that we're not burying our talents? How can we know we're making a difference day by day? Can it be boiled down to a formula? More importantly, how can we be certain we're successfully fulfilling God's calling in our lives while still fulfilling our vocational obligations?

Anyone in ministry knows that certain things must be done to keep the church feeling good about paying you to work there. These are the daily tasks of keeping office hours, planning activities, teaching classes, sending out newsletters, and showing up at the occasional ball game for little Timmy or Tammy. These things keep people feeling good about your role in the church but have very little to do with success. Success, if measured by the effective change you make in the lives of your students, isn't dependent on your ability to plate juggle or serve the body politic. Jesus showed us that success comes from modeling and mentoring through meaningful relationships. I bet Jesus didn't feel very successful when the disciples argued over who'd be the greatest in the kingdom. I bet he didn't feel great when Peter denied him. I bet Jesus felt frustrated knowing that Judas would turn his back on him. If Jesus had been given a performance review on the "success" of a ministry that ended up with him crucified and his followers scattered, I don't think he'd have scored very high. But Jesus knew that true success is found in following your call to the end.

Success in youth ministry is found in your presence in moments of turmoil, your character in times of distress, the love you model to your students and others, and your dedication to Christ through all of life's storms. Whether or not you have vocational success by having gobs of kids at your youth service or run a great VBS has little correlation with successfully fulfilling your calling in the lives of teenagers. Success in God's kingdom has more to do with who you are than what you do. If an employee of a Fortune 500 company demonstrated qualities like humility, servanthood, admitting weaknesses, and letting others take the glory, she'd never advance and most likely would get axed. The very things that block advancement in this world are the things that Christ calls us to be in order to advance the Kingdom. The humble, the meek, the lowly in heart, and the servants lead the victory parade for God. All of humanity's logic is reversed in the upside down kingdom.

Imagine for a moment a church board giving a performance review of John Youthguy based on God's formula for success:

"Well, guys, John's numbers are down, the parents are grumbling, and the preacher is upset that he planned his canoe trip the same weekend as the annual chili cooking competition potluck Sunday," the chairman says.

"Yeah, but John sure is humble," Mr. Johnson replies.

"And he'd be the first one to admit his weaknesses," quips another guy.

"That's true," the chairman responds. "And the Bible does say that God's power is perfected in weakness. John really isn't very good at anything. I guess that means we should be seeing God's power just explode all over this place."

"You'd better believe it!" Mr. Smith says, jumping in. "If we want God to work around here then we need to keep this guy around. He's the weakest link we have."

With that, the board decides unanimously to give John a raise.

Okay, maybe that's a little bit far-fetched, but how often do we think of our definition of success from that point of view? Jesus said the least will be greatest. As an avid perfectionist, I've had to learn that it's all right for me not to always have the right words to say at a given moment. It's okay for me to feel like I don't know what to do. It increases my dependence on God to not always know if I'm doing the best thing in every circumstance. The servants who invested their talents didn't know what type of return they'd receive. They took a financial risk with their master's money. But the risk paid off and their master was pleased. We have a much more compassionate master than the one in the parable, but we still take a risk. We don't always know the return we'll receive, but we must trust and hold on to logic that the world can't understand.

Around dinnertime the day Wes got punched, I headed over to his house to check on him. I talked with him for a few minutes and then left feeling even more like I hadn't made any difference at all. Two days later I sat in the back of a congregational meeting. As I sat, I glanced over at Wes with his black eye. I ran the scene over and over again in my head trying to think of anything I could've said that would've been meaningful. Just then Wes's mom raised her hand to make a comment.

"I just wanted to let the church know that I'm thankful for Brian. The other day Wes had a little incident at school and Brian was there for him throughout the whole thing. Brian was Jesus in the flesh to our family that day, and I'm so thankful that we have him on staff here."

Sometimes we don't know the impact we have. Sometimes we never will. When we feel inadequate, helpless, and unsuccessful, those may be the times that God's received a great return on an investment. We may not ever be able to get church boards and youth committees to understand the logic of the upside down kingdom, but we can be assured that our vocation is understood by the One who matters most.

If I was in MY Youth Ministry

2011-09-21T23:19:00.000-07:00

To Mary Norton, Youth Minister of over 8 years:

-I would NOT have been a student leader in your youth group.

-I would have attended your Wednesday night Bible study about 2 times my entire JH/HS career.

-I would, however, have been to Sunday School about once every month or three because I'd spent the night before at my friends house whose parents insisted I go with them if I spent the night! (Thank you, Greer family!)

-I would have attended your "special events"...well, some of them. I went to a D-Now once and camp once because my best friend invited me and someone else paid my way. Oh, and a 5th Quarter once too.

-I was the fringe kid in your youth group, at best. In high school, I drank and dated the wrong guys. Even though I knew it was wrong. Even AFTER I became a Christian. Yes, I was THAT frustrating kid who doesn't live like I'm saved. (until my senior year, and even then, I was less than stellar at times)

-I'm the kid you never visit. I'm sure you have your reasons; parents intimidate you, I live inconveniently out of city limits, I don't talk much at your church and never have to you personally other than a reciprocal "hi."

-I would have been very involved in my school's Christian club, but my church membership was no where. In fact, I didn't get baptized until a week before my high school graduation...2 years after I "got saved."

-It took until my senior year for me to start making ANY kind of lasting change in my life, to start reading my Bible, to learning how to really talk to God without using memorized words, to tell others about what God was doing in my life...

But when it started, it was AMAZING!!! And grew, it took root, and grew, and grew bigger than I'd ever understood, bigger than the box I had Jesus in, bigger than my friends' faith who dropped out of church and forgot about Jesus in college...

It took root so much, that I became a Youth Minister.

Dear Mary, do NOT forget or neglect *that* student in your youth ministry. One day, they may just be a youth minister -if they ever let Jesus get ahold of their heart. And it may take until their senior year. But don't give up on them. Ever.

Love,

Your Teenage Self

Remembering the Beginning

2011-09-21T12:18:00.000-07:00

When we took this position as Youth Minister we had a team of 7 volunteers. Over the years, 2 have moved away, 1 dropped out of church and 2 have "taken a break" permanently apparently. We have recruited a new male Sunday School teacher and a female volunteer to be a warm friendly body on Wednesday night...bringing our total currently to 4. We have 10 students who are interested in being student leaders. (7 of which are boys) We have asked the congregation for adult volunteers to mentor these students, offering of course to help and train them to be mentors. 10 people signed up; none of them men. Besides Daniel, we have one male adult who interacts with our students on Sunday mornings. (He helps with the children's ministry on Wednesday nights and does an awesome job on Sundays AND wednesdays with both age groups!) We have a HUGELY difficult time finding adults to teach, mentor or just generally BE around our teenagers! I found our "Philosophy of Youth Ministry" and I know that it was one of the reasons the search committee was so interested in us. Please pray for us as we try to find ways to recruit and include adults in loving students here in Big Lake.

Philosophy of Youth Ministry

A healthy, growing, God-honoring Youth Ministry does not just happen. It must be intentional at its core. We attempt to build our ministry on four basic principles; each of which has many different aspects that interact to form a solid foundation.

Relationship - If you were to ask a group of people to recall any sermon or talk that changed their life, we would be willing to bet that you would get few answers. Ask the same group about a person who changed their life by investing in them and you will get a much more dramatic answer. We are designed to be relational with God and others. We believe the quickest way to truly reach a student for Christ is to love them and invest in them; maintaining a relationship and dialog that always is willing and able to show the grace that has been shown to us. Taking them along with us in our lives and doing life together with them (1 Thessalonians 2:8). Christ gave an excellent example of this as He taught large crowds. He singled out twelve from the crowd but then took three of them even deeper. Following this example, we believe that adult leaders should be investing in the crowd in general, but should also have one to three students in which they are investing the bulk of their heart, time, and energy.

Community - Relationship flows directly into community. God formed us for relationships; we cannot stress that enough! As God designed us to experience a relationship with Him through Christ and the Spirit, he designed us to have community with each other as well. We are firm believers that Paul tells us to bear one another's burdens because we were never designed to bear those loads on our own. That being said, a healthy Youth ministry should be an environment where these burdens and needs can be safely shared and met. Another side to community is the availability of accountable relationships. When you have a close enough relationship with those you trust, you allow them to challenge you to keep growing.

Maturity – What we mean here is “learning to grow on their own.” Many of us have the tendency to coast along on the relationship and teaching of others, never personalizing it and making it a faith of our own. When a student does this it often looks as if they graduate from their faith when they graduate from high school. To stop this trend from occurring we strive to present students with tools to help them own their faith as well as the community and mentoring relationships mentioned above. Students who experience Christ and then grow, naturally desire to make new connections and invite others along for the journey.

Service – Students who decide to grow and mature in Christ then turn and serve, discovering their gifts and talents and using them to the best of their ability. Because of this, we always want to offer opportunities for adults and students alike to use their gifts inside and outside the church to meet needs. In addition, service is one of the ways that we identify leaders in the first place. The example that Christ set for us teaches that the servants are the leaders, and that the leaders are servants.

In working with students, we have come to value the fact that if we try to do all the work ourselves, then we will not really get much work done. If we can enlist and train other volunteers to do the work with us, then instead of adding to the effectiveness of a ministry, we can multiply it instead. As much as students need others to come alongside them in relationship, community, maturity, and service; we need others to walk with us as well. Remember, we cannot say this enough: we were created for relationships.

It Could Have Been...But Instead...

2011-09-01T13:04:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday afternoon we headed, once again, to Bay City to visit our Uncle Robin for possibly the last time. We left Big Lake right after Chaz got out of school for our 8ish hour trip. (we thought it was 6 hrs, but we were way off!) About an hour out it started raining really hard but we were so thankful for wet drops falling from the sky that we rather enjoyed our stormy ride! I was driving and kept feeling thumps and hearing weird noises, but thought we were just hitting mud, etc on the road. About 4 hours away from home and 4 hours away from Bay City, we pulled over to find that 1 of our tires was throwing thread and the wires were sticking out. Gggrreeat.

Did I mention that it was 7:30pm at this point? And we were in a small town? And that in this small town everything was closed? No chance of getting a tire that night, and we thought it would be unwise to travel 4 hours on an old donut in the rain.

So, we paid a ridiculous amount of money for a hotel room (though it was nice!) and decided to make the most of it! Right across the street was a Starbucks! (See, God IS good!) So our family had a little date...we all got Starbucks and scones, at the request of my children. Side Note: Yes, I have *those* kids who actually know and request scones. End Note. Then we went back to our hotel room and via Netflix on our laptop had a marathon of "Avatar, the Last Airbender" for awhile. (Our family's newest and strangest addiction)

The next morning, while we watched Phineas and Ferb in our room, Daniel went to get our tire replaced and came back with 3 new ones, because they would not have made it to Bay City and back. BUT, we were able to afford all 3 tires and a hotel room (all unexpectedly!) because God is good and He has shown us how to save/spend our money wisely! So what started out as Daniel and I freaking out and being mad/depressed about how much all this was going to cost, how inconvenient this was, the timing, etc....It turned out to be such a good time for our family together! What could have been a horrible night, turned out to be relaxing and refreshing for our whole family.

So, the next day we eventually make it to Bay City and spend the weekend with Daniel's family. His grandparents are not doing well and neither is his uncle. Uncle Robin was/is in a lot of pain, and he was either hurting or sleeping while we were there. I am a nerd, as you all know, so I actually read up on grief and how to say good-bye to a loved one, etc. And I'm not saying there's any formula or anything, but I just had NO idea what to say to him. Or just out-loud. I know a lot of people didn't know that *that* time was the last time they'd see their loved one, but I knew I was "blessed" (?) to have this chance. I'm STILL praying for God to miraculously heal my uncle, but I am fully aware that His way of healing him may be death...and if that is the case...I wanted to say good-bye, of sorts. I didn't really say good-bye though...I made strange jokes about hospital food, not getting enough sleep, talked about Chaz and Hannah, and picked on Daniel to lighten the mood...We visited 3 times over the weekend. And my last words were nothing special or significant. I told him I loved him and that I wanted him to get some good rest and feel better very soon. Nothing profound, but all true, in all senses of the words. I kissed him and squeezed his hand and left the room.

I went to sit with the family in the other room, while Daniel spent more time with him. And it was so very good to sit and talk with them. Mostly we remembered things and shared stories...about people I love, and a lot of them were about Daniel growing up. This was very special to me because Daniel doesn't remember much (in comparison to me) about when he was little. He didn't have his mother to repeat stories to him of things he said or did. I heard soooo many stories about Daniel that weekend, all reminding me of the special man I married and the amazing family I inherited as well. It could have been a bitter time...talks of "Why, God?" and how unfair things were...But instead, it was a sadly beautiful time talking about life and death and love. The things that make life worth living...the things that remind you why you're still breathing.

Hospice came to Uncle Robin's house today. To make him more comfortable for "the rest of his time here." Yes, part of me is angry. I ache and hurt, for myself and for our family...my aunt, cousins and grandparents. But I am also grateful, as God showed me over and over last weekend the many things and ways to be grateful. I am grateful for flat tires and hotel rooms. For scones and The Last Avatar. For life, for love and for families. I am one very blessed girl.

What I Learned Over Summer Vacation

2011-08-22T16:08:00.000-07:00

1. "Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down." Proverbs 26:10

Small towns carry plenty of wood. And you can't un-ring a bell. Gossip hurts.

2. God is trustworthy.

Though He slay me, I will hope in Him. Nevertheless I will argue my ways before Him. Job 13:15

This has been me and God...ALL. SUMMER. He is my only Hope. He is trustworthy; even if He were to kill me... But I'm still going to speak my heart to Him!

3. There are 5 kinds of healing.

Daniel’s uncle has stage 4 pancreatic cancer. He will not be with us much longer. He found out at the end of May this year, as in 3 months ago. We pray and pray...for him to be healed, but his health keeps declining. Add to this, that this uncle is the 3rd child of his still-living Grandparents. It seems as if our Grandmommy and Grandaddy will have buried all 3 of their children in their lifetime. (Daniel’s mom died when he was 8 and his grandparents helped raise him. Daniel’s other uncle passed away unexpectedly 5 years ago.) No one should have to bury all 3 of their children. Yet we pray for healing....and I’ve learned that there are 5 types of healing:

1-The body’s natural immune system. Our body counterattacks (fights) more often than we’re aware of.

2-Truly miraculous. The kind we all pray for but rarely believe in. :)

3-Medical healing. The wisdom and knowledge God gives medical professionals.

4-Healing of attitude. Found in 2 Corinithians 12:8-10...A healing of attitude is often more important than a physical healing. This was a lesson I learned myself.

5-This last type of healing is the kind I have the hardest time with, obviously. I fight and pray against this kind of healing almost all the time, ironically.

Yet, it IS a type of healing...of making a person whole again. Free from the illness, the pain...

Death is the ultimate healing.

And as I’m learning, or rather, re-learning this last lesson of the summer, I am grateful that I learned lesson #2.

A Muggle in Mourning

2011-07-13T18:50:00.000-07:00

"Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense."

Ah...but many, many other Muggles have been enchanted with the magical world in which Harry Potter lives.

In 1997, a single-mother published a tale of an orphan boy who never knew the world to which he truly belonged. In 1999, the book began to gain popularity and a friend's mother suggested that I read it. Her granddaughter loved the book, she raved, and that I would love it too. As someone heading off to college I dismissed this children's literature "new favorite." Then in 2001, the book was made into a movie, which I saw simply because I was a college student and I saw almost every movie in Marshall because they were $2 a ticket. A year later, in my Adolescent Literature class we were told to read a banned book. Having seen the movie and found it mildly interesting, I chose Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. In the next 3 weeks, even as a busy married, working college student, I read the next 3 books. Maybe devoured would be a better term?

I was hooked! I was immersed in this world, loving and hating characters as if they were real. Staying up 24 hours to read the The Order of the Phoenix when it FINALLY came out! Telling others just how badly they needed to read these books! (In fact, our 65 year old friend read them and loved them!!) And just like other epic tales, Daniel and I began to wonder...what IS it about Harry Potter and his world that captivates our Muggle world like it does? I'm not the first nor the last to discourse the benefits of JK Rowling's magical world...how dyslexic children were suddenly flying through 500 page books like never before! The moral lessons of how it takes great bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends!

But I wonder...and again, I'm not the first...why do we become so wrapped up in this world? Why do wish we could find Platform 9-3/4? Why did we discuss at such lengths Snape's character and agenda? Why do we cry and mourn when the headmaster is buried? We want so badly for evil to be vanquished, for good to be victorious and for love to win...

Is it possible, that I...that we...become such a part of Harry's world, Harry's battle; because we were made play a part too? We live through Harry, Ron, Hermoine, Dobby, Snape, etc...because there's something inside of us that wants to fight? That wants to be a part of an epic battle? That, just maybe, we shrink back from the unseen war (as Christians) we are in...because it is SO hard to fight...so we settle for a "safer" war? A "less costly" battle? A fictional one that makes us feel as if we were actually fighting?

The religious, specifically Christian themes are plentiful scattered throughout the series:
Lily's self-sacrificing love (as well as Dumbledore, Snape, Dobby, etc)
The resurrection stone
King's Cross after Harry goes to Voldemort
Our choices define us more than our abilities
The world is not divided into Death Eaters and Good guys
(These and many more may not make sense if you haven't read the books, but don't take my word for it...go read!)

And so, in July 2007, a pregnant Mary stayed up all night trying to finish this series. Feeling, sheepishly, in mourning that the book was done, and yet Harry’s world would somewhere continue on without me. Flying through all 759 pages, and in the end wishing I hadn't finished so quickly. Feeling as if... my friend had died, or moved away...and it would never be the same again. That I was somehow a different person because of having been at Hogwarts and sat in the Great Hall. (I would have secretly have bought a SPEW badge, but never worn it in public of course. And I would have had a long talk with Neville about missing his parents and that it's ok.) That to be boarding other children on the Hogwart's Express was such a bittersweet thing.
As all endings usually are.

At 12:01 am Friday morning, the cinematic world of Harry Potter comes to a close. Harry has grown up over the last 10 years, and so have we. We celebrate and mourn at the same time...the end. We can re-read the books any time, we can watch the dvd’s over and over...but somehow, being a part of this from early on (10 years for me) it will never be the same. For those of you, like me, who waited and pre-ordered the books as they came out...who watched the movies and thought “Oh, so that’s how you pronounce ‘Avada Kedavra!” There is some finality to 7-15-11. A bittersweet ending.

My only consolation (besides Pottermore) and I find it rather fitting; is the conversation between Harry and Dumbledore in Deathly Hallows:

“Tell me one last thing,” said Harry. “Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?”
“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

What if it's Everything I Dreamed of?

2011-04-09T20:19:00.001-07:00

Rapunzel: I've been looking out of a window for eighteen years, dreaming about what I might feel like when those lights rise in the sky. What if it's not everything I dreamed it would be?

Flynn Rider: It will be.

Rapunzel: And what if it is? What do I do then?

Your Opinion Please!

2011-03-26T19:26:00.000-07:00

It's been sooooo longs...had a million things to do and even more things to think about. God has been teaching and showing me so much lately, and I of course want to blog about it, but most of it's one of those things where it'll have be in the "end" that I can write about them. So, my first request is for you to pray for me, please!

Second request, in your opinion is it "wrong" (for lack of a better word) for me as a Christian to attempt to make a profit from materials that I write? Part of me thinks "no" since other people are called to serve in other ways and make a living that way (youth ministers, speakers, worship leaders...etc.) But I really don't know. I know I for one appreciate the free tools and helps I find online. Hmmm.
Praying about this too, but just wondered what you guys think. Any opinion is appreciated, I say this sincerely. :)

Did you ASK for the big, gaudy, heart-shaped overpriced box of chocolates?!?

2011-02-14T18:47:00.000-08:00

So, how was your Valentines Day? Or your S.A.D. (Single Awareness Day) if you're in that camp...? I got the flu LAST Sunday morning and had a constant fever all week long, so I'll use that as the excuse for my delirium and almost forgetting today was Valentines Day! I really did- I woke up, got dressed, got ready for the guys to come re-tile our bathroom (YAY for that!) and re-applied myself to the couch. MUCH later after reading some posts on Facebook about who got what, only THEN did I remember...poor Daniel! Our youth ministry hosted a Valentines Banquet last night (which I'll try to post pics soon, they did an amazing job!) and I was sad to miss it, but alas, I still forgot. However, Daniel DID give me my presents earlier in the week. He surprised me with some potted tulips, and he got me the chocolates I asked for.

Now, that probably doesn't sound the most romantic, and you read that right....I asked him to get me some chocolates. Ladies, this is a far cry from the Mary who first married this boy! I expected him to use his romantic mind reading skills and surprise me with exactly what I wanted! I have not lost any of my romance, I just try now to not have unrealistic expectations for Daniel! We usually do not buy gifts for each other for Valentines Day..we just don't, and I'm ok with it...most of the time.

THIS year, however, I really wanted one of those big gaudy heart shaped box of chocolates...yes I did!! You know the kind...the typical red-velvet overpriced heart shaped box of chocolate? Now, I knew I had 2 options: I could NOT tell Daniel, I could drop hints and hints and then be mad if he didn't catch on and get me the chocolates (because we historically don't give Valentines gifts) And if I'd dropped lots of hints and didn't get what I asked for...I hate to admit it, but I'd probably be mad...it's happened in the past!!
OR, I could be kind to him and ask him if he would get me an over-sized heart shaped overpriced box of chocolates for Valentines day!

So...along with my requested chocolates, I was surprised with tulips AND he planned a 2 night stay for us in San Antonio this weekend at a really nice hotel!!! Hooray for me!! After almost 9 years of marriage, I swear by communication in a marriage to make it work! He couldn't read my mind when we were dating and the years haven't improved that particular brain function either! We definitely know each other better....which means, I know him well enough to know that if I WANT him to do something, I need to tell the poor boy! :)

What do YOU think??

You are Not Alone

2011-01-21T09:32:00.000-08:00

I think that can be the most powerful phrase in the English language. I doubted that thought when I had it, because I thought, "What about 'I love you?" And I concluded that "I love you" would be an empty phrase if it weren't for the silent, unspoken sentiment behind it of "You are not alone."

Maybe it's just because I'm a girl, but I think about once a month or so I need to hear and know that I'm not alone. I need it when something terrible has happened, but also when life is just passing by uneventfully too! We teach our students that God designed us for relationships. We were created to be in a relationship, through Jesus, with God and also with others. I know this feels more natural for females, to be relational, but I think it is a deep desire within every human heart...to be in relationship with someone...to NOT be alone.

I have been very neglectful of my long distance friends lately, and I miss our talks and how you all challenge me...but a lot of my time has started being consumed by my local friends here. They each are going through some really trying times right now too, and I am thankful that they ask and let me be a part of their life as they go through these things. They have been there for me as I've dealt with my own wagon of crap over the last two years and I've come to realize that I am not as alone here as I thought I was! And I don't want them to be alone as they're hurting and struggling. Isn't that when Satan tempts us most? When we're alone?

The book of Hebrews starts out more like a sermon, but it's a letter written to Christ-following Jews during a time of persecution under Nero or Domitian. I've read that when Rome was burned, Nero blamed a new religious sect called Christians, as well as fed these Christ-followers to lions during gladiator fights and would light his garden parties with their burning carcasses. It sounds like a very difficult time to be a Christ-follower who lived it out the faith in an obvious way...it would have been much easier to just go through life fitting in and quietly struggling alone. However, here is the charge these Christ-followers were given (in Hebrews 10):

²³ Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. ²⁴ And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, ²⁵ not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

³² Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you endured in a great conflict full of suffering. ³³ Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated. ³⁴ You suffered along with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions.

I am thoroughly and utterly convinced that we were not made to go through life alone. This past Wednesday Night we taught about having accountability in our lives, how this will help you to grow in every aspect of life, including spiritually. And I had at least 4 students talk to me afterward about how alone they felt. These were not some outsiders in the social scene, they each sat at lunch tables that were full every day. Yet when they were confronted with what friendships are supposed to be like, and that God wanted them to have relationships (or even ONE relationship!) that was deep and honest...they admitted that they didn't have that...but WANTED it badly. We have a huge bullying issue in our town/schools, but that isn't even what had these kids upset. It was just feeling so alone all the time, even when things were good they said. What would it be like if these kids could and would start living out this challenge in Hebrews 10? What would it be like if WE started living it out?

Awhile back, I blogged about looking for someone to mentor, a student to have a deeper relationship/friendship with...like I had with Erica and then later, Jenni. I don't know if you've been praying my reader friends, but I found her! Her name is Alyssa and she's in 8th grade. I've never started a mentor/friendship with someone this young before, but I think it's going to be amazing. It seems so natural (most of the time) for both of us and I love her! I could write a whole blog post about her awesomeness, and maybe sometime I will! But I think the relationship we have, and that I have with others, is something that EVERY growing Christ-follower needs. Not just a friendship where you like to go out to eat together, or laugh at with movies or discuss your irritating co-workers or students...Not just someone who gives you advice, because every fool off the street will do that...but someone who KNOWS you, and you them, and you hold up a mirror for each other, to remind you who it is you want to be...who it is God wants you to be. And when you start to fall short of that, or start to walk off that path, you can get in each other's face and say hard things. (In and because of love) That way you know, in good times and bad, you are not alone.

2010 in Review!

2011-01-02T16:21:00.000-08:00

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?

Hmm...I am definitely in no way athletic, but I hiked in Big Bend up, down and around a very small mountain this summer in 110* weather, that is a first in all kinds of ways!

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn't make any last year, and will not this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes! My friend, Sarah, brought her sweet little girl into the world! Also, my step-sister-in-law had her sweet girl this past Wednesday. :)

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Hmm...2 close friends had miscarriages, and though I did not "know" the babies, I ached for them and with them.

5. What countries did you visit?

Not this year, sadly.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

Better personal over-all health.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

May 10th...I had a hysterectomy that day. It obviously was necessary and has changed my life so much for the better in so many ways, but was such a difficult day emotionally. I knew after having Hannah that I shouldn't get pregnant again...but when you have your uterus taken out, there's no turning back. No reversal surgery or even small percentage for God to work a miracle of more children. Apparently I'm still healing, emotionally..lol

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I'm proud of myself that I set out to train for a 5k, which I did not do; but I learned how to run for longer distances that I'd ever had before! (3 miles was the longest I'd gotten) (BTW, see #1 again..lol) Also, I was asked to direct the drama for our Christmas Cantata at our church this year, which I did an amazing job at (if I can go by what people say) as well at ended up in starring in when my actress(es) backed out! So much stress and pressure, but in the end, it was beautiful and worshipful for me too.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I guess not doing the 5k I set out to do, but I don't really see that as failing or anything else this year for that matter.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Well, that's kind of what last year was all about for me...but it got better!

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Hmm...Daniel bought me a Kindle, which I LOVE! And we bought ourselves a new TV after our 8 1/2 year old one died this past Christmas.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Oh man, so many. My friend, Tara, who has an amazing real faith as she walks through life in obedience. It's not my place to tell her story, but I am so blessed that she shares it with me. I have another amazing Christian friend who has gone through her first year post-divorce/single mom of three. Yet another friend who is a growing baby Christian living out her faith with a new job, alcoholic non-Christian husband and 3 amazing teenagers. (All of these women are an inspiration to me!) Also, Daniel, of course. He is still fighting for purity and our marriage, working so hard to be a good husband, father and youth minister in ways that often make him feel alone and "weird." He helped and loved me through hormonal roller coasters and the death of dreams and wishes, and came out on the other side of my insanity (that NO ONE else ever really saw) still loving me. Really loving me. And I know it and feel it.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Sometimes some of our students. They make such poor choices sometimes and I just want to shake them!! Then God reminds me of the grace I've been given, and that because of that, I can freely give grace too. And mine at times too, of course. My heart was really bitter for awhile there.

14.Where did most of your money go?

Exactly where we told it to. We were debt free with no payments on anything whatsoever. I had to have surgery in May, which was very expensive, despite that we had savings stored up. So we are still paying off my hospital bill, but otherwise, we budget well, and have always had money for everything we need and some of the things we want. We live a different kind of life in how we spend our money, but we have peace that few people have when it comes to their finances because of it.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Christmas vacation. :) Lots of time to just hang out with students, which we did. Also, we got to see a lot of our family, some of which we haven't seen in a LONG time, so that was soo good! I'd been looking forward to this time since last Christmas/summer when I started planning who was going to sleep where, etc!

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

"Hello, Hurricane" by Switchfoot

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Definitely happier, despite how things are different than I'd thought they'd be...I sincerely feel very happy.
ii. thinner or fatter? at this very moment? Fatter...I'm blaming it on hormones leveling out..jk
iii. richer or poorer? Ummm...praise God, Daniel got a raise! Um....but our insurance rates went up...so, ummm..praise God for providing for insurance rates going up...lol

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Read more when my kids wanted me to. (they want to read a LOT!! But, one day I'll miss these silly stories I have memorized that no one wants to hear anymore.)

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Eating when I felt stressed out/sad. lol

20. Did you fall in love in 2009?

Yes, always and again with my Daniel. But also with the community we live in...there are some amazing people here that have dramatically altered my heart.

21. What was your favorite TV program?

I don't really watch much tv, but I did like"The Biggest Loser"

22.. What was the best book you read?

Here is where my inner-teenage-dork comes out...I read the Twilight series for the first time last spring and have re-read the entire series at least 4 times since then. I'm also Team Edward, I knew you were wondering....lol I also read the newest Rick Riordin book and liked it as much as Percy Jackson.

23. What was your greatest musical discovery?

They're not new, but I really like Tenth Avenue North. Not the normal sound I listen to, a bit too mellow at times, but I like their lyrics and depth a LOT.

24. What did you want and get?

A TV!! Which looking back was something I wanted last year! We were patient, we had a need and God provided for us to do that!

25.What did you want and NOT get?

Hmm...my "wants" have changed a lot over the last year. Things have different priorities than they used to.

26. What was your favorite film of this year?
I don't watch a lot of movies, but I did see "Tangled" and really liked it. We also saw "To Save a Life" and really liked that too.

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 30 this year, a milestone of sorts. Daniel and I went out to eat and to a movie, the staff went our for lunch together, and my friend, Jennifer took me "out on the town." lol This birthday wasn't a surprise party or huge celebration in anyway, but I celebrated it surrounded by people that loved me, and I couldn't ask for more!

28 What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Having my health problems under control sooner rather than later. (Thank you, Tara, for helping me see how important things were...though you may not remember that conversation!)

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Pshaw. lol I did add some different things to my wardrobe this year in the running department...and liked feeling cute and "athletic" for the first time in my life ever!

30. What kept you sane?

Truth. When things seemed to be falling apart all around me, and I felt bitter and alone, and life just kept changing in every way possible...God's word; Jesus the Cornerstone, became very real in my life. Also, Daniel and my friends and family that listened to my griping and bitterness and being lashed out at when they didn't deserve it. Being forgiven for aforementioned behavior helped tremendously know I was loved and not crazy. (thanks, Daniel and Jenni!)

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

No one really...I guess Jillian Michaels some as I read about her views and research into hormones.

32. What political issue stirred you the most?

How illegal/legal immigrants are treated in the US, specifically Texas. Also, how the Church has responded and will respond are important and interesting to me.

33. Who did you miss?

My friends and family who are so very far away.

34.. Who was the best new person you met?

I'd met both of these women when we moved here, but WE have become MUCH closer in the last year! Letty is a new good friend who is an amazing godly mother who is raising 3 amazing teenagers to be real, authentic Christ-followers. She is real about who she is and how she struggles. She's lives out Truth in a way that will not allow me to let her call herself a "baby Christian" for very much longer...and challenges me to grow along the way. She is fun to hang out with as well, as we eat Olive Garden after watching the new Eclipse movie or keeping me sane at the Youth Christmas party! Jennifer is the other best new person I've met! She is my new bestie who texts me silly and serious conversations throughout her day of teaching freshman english and my 30th cup of imaginary tea. She makes me laugh every time we're together and I always look forward to our next Angelo trip or just sitting at each other's house doing nothing. We have both gone through a lot in the last year, her more so than me, and I will always be thankful for her (and letty's!) friendship during this time!

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:

I learned a lot about spiritual maturity (realizing how selfish and self-centered I really was...how concerned I was with how I felt, what I wanted, what I didn't have, etc.) I knew my life as a Christ-follower wasn't about me, but this year, I REALLY learned what it meant. My life is not about me, it's not about me not liking where I live, it's not about me wanting friends here, it's not about me wanting nicer or more material things, or even seemingly unselfish things like wanting to live near my family, or wanting to have more children...It's about God and what HE wants to with my life through His Son to bring Himself glory. It was a hard lesson for me to learn, and I fought it all the way for so long!! I am still learning...but I am learning to also be content. (Side note; thanks Sarah, though you may not remember the conversation and I don't remember exactly what you said, but something you said made me start down this thought process and I am grateful!)

1 Timothy 6:6-12 says, "But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money* is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness.
Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.

I see "the love of money" as greed, wanting more that what you have...I think this kind of greed obviously applies to more than money, as I learned in my life, but can also "plunge people into ruin and destruction." I was very, very depressed this past year...part of it was hormones and part of it was my un-Christ-like discontentment.

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

We come returning all the things we can’t keep
We’ve spent all our time chasing empty things
We come returning all the earthly treasures
We’re setting our hearts on eternity

What good is it for man
To gain the world only to spend
Eternity from You

In You Lord; there’s nothing to lose, Lord
Our hope and our future is safe and secure with You

For You Lord, may all that we live for
Bring Glory and honor, to You!
In You Lord; there’s nothing to lose, Lord
Our hope and our future is safe and secure with You

37. The best thing you discovered this year?
How compassionate my children are. Don't get me wrong, they're still children who think the world revolves around them like all children do, but they have compassion in a way that I think is abnormal for their age, I certainly was not like this!

38. The best thing you lost?
The closeness I had with friends and family since we live so far away. :(

39. What are you glad to leave behind from 2010?

Sorry male readers for TMI, but girls, you'll understand: menstrual pads. ;D

40. What are you looking forward to in 2011?
I don't know!! I don't really have any plans and I'm not sure what His are exactly yet, but I'm excited to see what happens, though I may not deem it all "good" in next years "review"...I know "He's still got the whole world in His hands"

Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!

2010-12-15T14:47:00.000-08:00

When they first saw the show, CBS executives were horrified at the idea of an animated Christmas special with such a blatant message. They also strongly objected to the fact that the show had no canned laughter.

Bill Melendez tried to talk Charles M. Schulz out of using Biblical references (especially Linus's speech) in this special. Schulz reportedly won him over by saying, "If we don't do it, who will?" As it turned out, Linus' recitation was hailed as one of the most powerful moments in the highly acclaimed special.

Charlie Brown: Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?
Linus Van Pelt: Sure, Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about.
[moves toward the center of the stage]
Linus Van Pelt: Lights, please.
[a spotlight shines on Linus]
Linus Van Pelt: "And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not: for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.' And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'"
[Linus picks up his blanket and walks back towards Charlie Brown]

Linus Van Pelt: That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

During his famed speech, Linus, who is well known to be dependent on his security blanket, actually lets go of it when he recites these words: "Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy," which is from Luke 2:10.

(all of the above is found in the Internet Movie Database)

Things that I need to let go of to fully embrace the message of Christmas this year:

-family drama...it's been around since Cain and Abel...we all have dysfunctional families.
-stress of making/buying gifts. I enjoy it, but allow it to stress me sometimes. I need to keep focused on WHY I'm making these gifts in the first place.
-the many, many things I cannot change in life at this moment: how far we live from family and friends, people who don't like me, how to pay for a vehicle...I could go on and on and on...(I'm sure you could too!)

I can't let fear or anxiety get in the way of celebrating the day that God sent His only son to the broken world, in a feed tray to a scared girl and boy who decided to be obedient even when it was hard and they didn't even fully understand. I thank my Father, that I can "Fear Not!" this Christmas and live out the "great joy" He has given me through His son, Jesus.

The Best Hot Chocolate EVER!

2010-11-26T18:41:00.001-08:00

I've shared this recipe in several places over the years, and it's definitely not original by any means (my adaptation of a Kraft recipe); but thought I'd share it with those unfortunate souls out there who hadn't tried this yet:

The Best Hot Chocolate EVER

2 squares chocolate almond bark (you can use bakers chocolate, but i love bark in this recipe)
1 cup water
1/2 or 1/4 cup sugar (this may be too sweet for some tastes, so reduce in advance if you want!)
3 cups milk
1 tsp vanilla

Melt the chocolate squares in 1 cup of water over medium high heat, stirring.

When melted and boiling, add 1/2 cup sugar. Stir until dissolved for about 3 minutes.

Gradually add the 3 cups of milk, stirring, until heated through.

Turn heat down to low, and add vanilla. Make sure it is well mixed and remove from heat to serve!

Garnish with whipped cream, marshmallows or a candy cane for a peppermint zing!

My family and youth ministry students swear this is the best hot chocolate ever. I just smile at how easy it is to make!! I made a batch for our family today after we finished decorating for Christmas! We keep things fairly simple, little touches all around the house (inside and out) to make sure we keep our focus on why we celebrate my favorite holiday of the year! It greatly reduces stress, budget, etc when we keep it simple at our house and remember that God came and wrapped His holiness in our flesh.
Hope your thanksgiving was amazing and that your Christmas season is filled with joy and hope!

25 Ways to Say Thank You; Finished

2010-11-23T12:13:00.000-08:00

Finishing up the 25 ways to say Thank You!

Way #16: Say thank you with a simple or silly gift certificate! You could give a simple gift card for Sonic! Who wouldn't love a free Cherry-Vanilla Dr.Pepper as a pick me up!? All kinds of fast food places have gift cards that are fairly inexpensive! One of our gas stations in town has certificates for their slushies! My son, Chaz, got one for helping the boys win at collecting the most of their food drive, and you would have thought he'd won a million dollars as excited as he'd gotten. And honestly, I'd have been excited to get a slushie too!! :)

Way #17: Gather together a poster board and decorating materials (markers, glitter, etc) Write "Thank You!" in big letters in the middle and decorate around them telling the person what you are thankful for, write the translations for thank you in different languages! Then place the poster board on their windshield or other unusual place where they are sure to find it!

Way #18: Leave a small pack of gum with a note saying, "thank you! you're like a breath of fresh air in my life (our company, ministry, etc)!"

Way #19: A small candles with a note saying, "No one holds a candle to you! Thanks for _______________!"

Way #20: Attach a small note to a root-beer bottle or can saying "Thanks for keeping me/us afloat!"

Way #21: permanent marker: "You've made a lasting and permanent mark on my life! (etc)"

Way #22: A box of toaster pastries: "Thanks for all you do, here's our toast to you!"

(just one more cheesey idea, i promise...)

Way #23: Hershey's Nuggets, gold variety: "Thanks so much- you are worth more than your weight in gold!"

Way #24: Make a personalized cd for the person either of their favorite songs or songs you think will become their new favorites!

Way #25: Just tell them, to their face..."Thank you!" For our impersonal society, this may be difficult, but may be needed more than you know. And to quote Kathleen Kelly, "And what's so wrong with being personal, anyway? Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal."

I hope that your Thanksgiving Holidays are shared with loved ones and may you eat just enough turkey and dressing to get full while you have an over-stuffed with thankfulness heart!!

25 Ways to Say Thank You; Basket Edition

2010-11-12T08:24:00.001-08:00

A nice, general way to say thank you is to give a gift! And thus was born the gift basket. :) Here are some gift basket ideas; some you've probably heard of or even gotten, but maybe some are new ideas for you!
Way #6: Breakfast basket; how about some donuts (Mrs. Bairds, gourmet or homemade!), fun or favorite box of cereal, with a cute bowl/spoon! Even some small Sunny D- it doesn't have to be refrigerated!

Way #7: Breakfast basket Dos; loaf of french bread or container of pancake mix (homemade or store bought...go here for an awesome recipe of Cinnamon Pancakes!) REAL maple syrup, and a trial size of coffee!

Way #8: "Dinner's On Me!" Buy a colander (even Dollar Tree has them!) and fill with a jar of spaghetti sauce, fun shaped noodles, loaf of french bread, garlic butter spread (even Wal-Mart has a non-refrigerated kind in their deli/bakery section) and some Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies!

Way #9: (for women) Pampering Kit! Lotion, foot or facial scrubs, fun nail polish colors, eye/sleep mask, bottle of water (crystal light package attached?) and an I-tunes gift card!

Way #10: Gourmet Griller! Bottle of bar-b-q sauce, basting brush (Pampered Chef has a chic one I've been wanting!), different kinds of rubs, grilling utensils, etc

Way #11: It IS basketball season, so why not say "thank you" with a sports theme? You can even shred the sports pages of the newspaper as filler for your basket! Then load it up with all kinds of snacks (pretzels, chips, candy or my new homemade favorite idea; the best of both worlds Rolo Pretzel Bites!) and drinks!

Way #12: Ice Cream basket: Sundae bowls, spoons! (you can even find some that resemble "old fashioned soda fountain" styles) Ice cream scoop, hot fudge, caramel sauce, candy or other toppings, or ice cream cones, etc!

Way #13: I'm just going to call this the "Mary Basket" (though there are many people out there with similar tastes) because this is what I would get myself! A bag of Starbucks (or other brand) coffee beans that you had ground at purchase, a HUGE mug, scones (Starbucks has seasonal pumpkin scones that are De-licious! There's a recipe HERE to try at home!) and maybe even throw in an Amazon.com card for that book I...er..THEY have been waiting to get!

Way #14: Dinner's On Me! (Nacho Style) Bag of tortilla chips, can of refried beans, jar of queso (or the makings; velveeta and rotel) can of olives, can of jalepenos, jar of salsa and maybe even a few green onions! You can fill the bottom of your basket with chili-themed towels or oven mits!

Way #15: Use a traveling toiletries case and fill with travel size container of shampoo, conditioner, soap, toothpaste, hand sanitizer, kleenex, medicines (tylenol, tums, etc), sewing kit, etc. Throw in some crossword puzzle or Sudoku books for entertainment when traveling! Or use a "slightly used" or refurbished suitcase! This is very generic, and may not seem fun, but who couldn't use this???
You can use ALL kind of things as containers! Dollar Tree always has containers and baskets! Pails, crates, trays, mixing bowls... use your creativity or ask me if you have specific questions or need suggestions!

25 Ways to Say Thank You!

2010-11-04T21:38:00.000-07:00

So, since there are 25 days in November till Thanksgiving, wayyy back in October I thought I'd post 25 ways to say "thank you"! However, it is now the eve of the 5th and I have yet to post a thing...so here I go trying to get 25 ways in before the 25th!
There are many people in our lives that deserve a thank you more often than they get it! At our church alone, there are many volunteers who serve in irreplaceable ways...from the ladies in the nursery who love my children to our Youth Ministry volunteers who let students stink up their vehicles and eat them out of house and home...let alone the neighbors who make life enjoyable, to the friends who help me maintain sanity...there are many people who deserve a thank you! I hope that you can implement some of these ideas and enjoy the feeling of saying thanks!

Way #1: Make a fall gift basket of home-made caramel dip and apples. You can buy 12 jars for $8 or $9. (that is about $.75 a jar) An amazing recipe for home-made caramel dip can be found HERE. This recipe is really easy if you do exactly what it says and is glorious! I brought some to our small group one night, and 5 adults were fighting over the caramel sauce once all the apples were gone!! The sauce can also go on cheesecake or brownies, or put some in your coffee or hot apple cider for a much cheaper version of a Starbucks drink! (I also made some M&M cookies to add to the baskets that we gave our volunteers...but I think caramel sauce and apples would be enough!)

Way #2: Offer to baby-sit for a friend. Let me re-phrase that...demand that you be allowed to babysit for a friend. If you are a parent, you know how hard it is to find a baby-sitter, especially when you are low on the green stuff...but what a blessing to have someone TELL you that they are going to babysit and that all you have to do is say "when"!!! If you are not a parent yet, even more reason to volunteer to babysit because your day of need is coming! It is self-sacrificing, yes; but what is a gift if it has no value to the giver?

Way #3: Send a note. In the day of email and texts, it's nice to receive real mail sometimes! (that's not a credit card application or a bill..lol) It can be a cute card or cute stationary, but honestly, just words on notebook paper would brighten ANYONE's day if they told that someone the things you appreciate about them. There are always things we want to say, but never do for one reason or another. Take 5 minutes and the cost of postage to tell someone thank you.

Way #4: Invite them to your house for a meal. Or go to theirs! I had a friend come over earlier this week, she showed up before work in the morning with breakfast burritos! We didn't have a whole lot of time, but the fact that she took time to come see me at my house with food meant a lot to me! Your house does not have to be clean. You don't even have to have clean dishes- I'm sure you have paper plates or even napkins if you're desperate without plates! We have too many excuses for not including people into our lives. What a great way to say thank you-by connecting and inviting someone into your personal life and home! (even if it's only for 30 minutes!)

Way #5: Leave a voice-mail message. Call this person while they are at work or at a time when you KNOW they will not be able to answer. Leave a message telling them how much you appreciate them and specific things you are thankful for. It only takes about 2 minutes, and they can save the message to listen to again and again whenever they want to!

Some of these posts will include making something or putting something together; but if you have the money, you can always buy the substitute if you don't have the time. I am "that kind of girl" but I understand that not true for everyone and that's ok, I just want to help if I can! :) Let me know if you have specific questions or situations (how to say thank you to your boss, husband, sister, etc), I'll try to help!

Caramel Covered Apples

2010-10-16T17:37:00.000-07:00

I love fall! (actually, I love all seasons in their turn; winter is my favorite, summer is my least favorite, but I love them all!) In the spirit of fall, Chaz and I made some caramel covered apples! I have never done this before, but I heard it was really pretty easy so I thought we'd give it a go!
Here is just about everything we used:
1 Bag of Caramels
craft popsickle sticks
2 1/2 Tablespoons of heavy whipping cream
5 Granny Smith apples
(and anything you'd like to decorate your apples if you so choose)

What you don't see if me boiling a pot of water, in which I put each apple in for 3-10 seconds and then I scrubbed the wax off (organic apples don't have this problem, I bet!) with natural dish soap and a toothbrush. I read online that this helps the caramel stick better if you do this and then refrigerate again.

We used pretzels and red and white sprinkles because that's what we had on hand!

This is my cutie boy, Chaz, helping me break pretzels into smaller pieces to put on some of the apples! It didn't take many, and we snacked on the rest as worked!

Next we placed wax/parchment paper on a cookie sheet, and then buttered it to help the apples not stick while they cooled off. It really did help a lot, and we got to get our hands all messy; one of the best parts!

Then we unwrapped the whole bag of caramels and put them into a 4 cup microwave safe measuring cup (thanks, Tara!) with 2 1/2 Tblsp of heavy whipping cream. We heated them in the microwave until they were melted and soft.

While the caramel mixture melted, we removed the stems from the apples and stuck a stick into the core. Then we baptized each apple into caramel heaven and placed them on the buttered parchment paper sheet! Chaz's job was to immediately decorate the apples as he wanted!

They were glorious and begging to be eaten, but we had to put them in the fridge for about 15 minutes while Hannah finished her nap.

Then, it was time to chow down!!

I'm looking for "my Jenni"

2010-10-07T19:28:00.000-07:00

8 years and many moons ago, when I started doing youth ministry; I had no idea what I was doing. Like NO idea. I was excited about being used by God and I wanted to help out in our church, so I said yes. I started teaching Sunday School and then over time I also began teaching on Wednesday Nights. I read everything about youth ministry that I could get my hands on...and I prayed..a LOT. (I think that helped...lol) So, not knowing what I was doing with a youth ministry that grew from 12 to 60 in a few months, I began to notice that there were 1 or 2 students who really seemed to "get it" and wanted to grow. 1 of them, Erica, was consistently at church and was excited about what we were doing and was excited about growing and learning. She was not wrapped up in herself or anyone else. She had friends, Christians and non-Christians, but her closest friends were Christians. Erica also began to care about those students who weren't Christians, and who were younger than herself; in contrast to the students who were annoyed with the younger "lost' kids. I LOVED being around Erica; she was a student (and was only 6 years younger than me-now most of my students are 16 years younger..lol) but she was also a friend. She had a GREAT sense of humor, self-worth/identity based on Christ and she used her gifts and talents (or strived to at least) to honor God. She had a child-like (NOT immature or childish, but child-like, the way Jesus said was needed) faith. I invested and mentored her, though I had no idea that that's what I was doing at the time. I loved on her and discipled her as best as I knew how...hoping in the long run, it would make a difference. I was only at her church for a little over a year, but I spent as much time with her as possible, and I hated leaving her.

So, we moved to Arlington to a smmmaaallll church with a youth group of about, oh, FOUR kids. lol Way different. I felt called there and looked forward to seeing what God was already doing and what He wanted to do with this group of kids. There were 2 girls who came consistantly at this time, and so I began to pray about "how to disciple and mentor them." Except, I still didn't know those terms...All I kept thinking was, "There's no Erica here." What was I going to do? These kids acted (hope I don't offend anyone, love you!! lol) like they knew it all and that we had little to offer them (at the time.) And I kept thinking, "There's no Erica here. Neither of these girls are like Erica." Although I did of course miss Erica, I also missed investing and mentoring someone. Of pouring into a student and having them challenge me too. Of feeling like I'm making more of an impact than just teaching a lesson twice a week. One of the girls was a senior and was very busy, so although we spent time together...she just wasn't "my Erica." Other girls had started attending, and I prayed about who I should start investing in...who seemed interested in having me know them better and really challenging them? I kept thinking about Jenni, but she also was so busy! And, for awhile, seemed so content with her faith being the easy answers she offered in Sunday School...I thought I probably annoyed her more than helped her!!! And she wasn't "my Erica."
But, I began to notice things...Like, she had a child-like faith; she was in awe of God and excited about what He was doing in her life and in the lives of others. She had friends that were Christians AND non-Christians. Her self-worth and identity were based on Christ and not on boys or other people/things. She also was already using her talents and gifts to honor God; she was in the praise band. We began to eat lunch together once a week (with 2 other ladies) and we also "hung out' and liked being around each other. Later, we would get together, just she and I at least once a week and go deeper. We'd ask each other hard questions and expect the other to be honest and open up. She became one of my BEST friends. (Who is now also my sister!!) We challenged each other and when she graduated and left for Tech, I literally felt empty and a little despair. I had other adult friends then, but there is something VERY special and irreplaceable about someone you have discipled and poured yourself into. It's like they took a little bit of you with them when you leave each other.

Erica made me a different girl, a different and better Christian and youth minister.
Jenni made me a different girl, a different and better Christian and youth minister.

I'm looking for "my Erica." I'm looking for "my Jenni." Not to replace them, as if you could do such a thing! I am looking for that girl who has a child-like faith. Whose identity and self-worth aren't based on boys or other things/people. Who care about other students in different walks of their faith and who want to use their talents to honor God. Who think that I have something to offer them, and who will challenge me back.
There are several girls that I am discipling, but I need to find my Erica/Jenni girl. Please pray for me; that God will make it clear who this girl is and that I will do whatever's necessary to start and build that relationship.

Kiddo Updates

2010-09-26T20:30:00.000-07:00

Chaz:

Age: 5 years old

Newest thing: We think he's in the advanced reading class, but we were never told this..he just talks about his "reading teacher" that some kids in his class go to; and she is the advanced reading teacher; so we're guessing here. But, Chaz can read simple sentences and phonetically spell/read words and we worked on a few sight words together last spring/summer; and he really enjoys it! He loves reading to Hannah and loves showing me his books he brings home and reads!

New worries: Hannah is in his Sunday School class now (2-5 yr olds?!? But, he's the only kindergarten age kid in our church.) and though they are on way different learning levels, they enjoy being together a LOT! But....Chaz tries to "take care of Hannah" while they're in class together. Like telling her what to do and what not to do...his teacher talked to me about it and we had a talk about how their teacher will take care of Hannah and he should just enjoy his class time and friends! I know that this could have negative effects for both of them if it doesn't change; but it's also sweet (his teacher mentioned) that Chaz cares for her so much! He isn't just telling her what to do, but he's also trying to take care of her or "protecting her" if he feels another kid isn't nice to her!
Also, we may be talking to the school speech therapist soon. Chaz is very articulate (since he was born, it seems like!) but he still has trouble with his "r"s and "l"s....and it seems like the other kids his age have outgrown that now; but he hasn't. Hmmmm...? I know he's only 5, but I want to be proactive about this if we can- I don't want him to be teased for this if we can help it!

Favorite phrase/quote: Well, he says a lot of funny/cute things, but my favorite is all the random songs he makes up! They're all like "praise songs"...lol...he gets this very serious look on his face, and starts singing songs that he really made up that make sense and everything! One's called, "I'll Love You Forever and Ever" and in another one (I can't remember what he called it) he even wrote like back up parts for girls to sing and instrumental solos...I'm serious! It's crazy, and sometimes (ok, most of the time) it's hard to keep a straight face, but he is so passionate about this!!

Hannah:

Age: 2 1/2 years old

Newest thing: Potty training!!! All of a sudden, Hannah decided to potty train seriously and now she only wears pull-ups at night! She hasn't had an accident in over a week, has gone in public many times and even with other adults besides Daniel and me! I don't want to jinx it, but she's done so good for about 2 weeks now!! Yay for no more diapers!!!! And leads to...

New Worries: Well, with her new-found independence (along with getting closer to the age of 3) she has decided to start testing her independence in all areas of life lately. She has always been stubborn, and very vocal about it (lol), but EVERYTHING is "I CAN DO IT BY MYSELF!" And sometimes she asks so politely and maturely that I forget that a 2 1/2 year old shouldn't be allowed to do it!

Favorite phrase/quote: "Let's play Cool Kids!" she says to whomever she's playing with (Chaz, our students, our pastor). We're not sure how to play, because it's never consistent, but this is what she says! And "Can you come show me?" means "Can you come see what I want to show you?" She used the potty when we were up at the office last week, and Gerald (our pastor) cheered for her and started singing about some kind of "potty dance" for her in congratulations, and she told him, "Not the potty dance, the NAKEY DANCE!! Do the nakey dance, do the nakey dance!" in the pastors' office, which he thought was HILARIOUS! (BTW, the "nakey dance" is the dance my neice does when she takes her clothes off to bathe or use the restroom...Hannah learned the nakey dance as well..lol)

"I'm Grieving as Fast as I Can!"

2010-09-16T21:03:00.000-07:00

"Is there anything I can do?

Yes, you can turn back time, take away the hurt, and bring my loved one back.
And if that isn't possible, just be on my side while I face the demons."

We all go through times of mourning. I have never lost a parent, sibling or child so I am unfamiliar with that specific kind of grief. But I HAVE had to mourn losing several non-Christian family members, the death of the marriage I thought I had, the dream of having more children and other similar situations. In no way am I comparing the loss of a child to the loss of a dream of child...but my point is that because we have all had to mourn; I pray we all learn 2 things:

1- How to mourn. We do not naturally know how to mourn. We know how to feel grief, but that is not the same thing as mourning.

2- How to help others mourn. Mourning requires solitude at times, but it also requires community. David was, much to his credit, a master at mourning. See 2 Samuel starting in Chapter 1. David personally mourns and then commands his army to mourn. (And this was for David's enemy!!)

I am no master at mourning. But the Jesus in me cries when my friends are crying and hurts when my friends are hurting...I think it's supposed to be that way. And it's ok to take whatever time you need to heal from your loss...be it a child or a divorce. Make sure your friends know this.

Rescue is Possible

2010-09-08T21:43:00.000-07:00

"Renee is 19. When I meet her, cocaine is fresh in her system. She hasn't slept in 36 hours and she won't for another 24. It is a familiar blur of coke, pot, pills and alcohol. She has agreed to meet us, to listen and to let us pray. We ask Renee to come with us, to leave this broken night. She says she'll go to rehab tomorrow, but she isn't ready now. It is too great a change. We pray and say goodbye and it is hard to leave without her.

She has known such great pain; haunted dreams as a child, the near-constant presence of evil ever since. She has felt the touch of awful naked men, battled depression and addiction, and attempted suicide. Her arms remember razor blades, fifty scars that speak of self-inflicted wounds. Six hours after I meet her, she is feeling trapped, two groups of "friends" offering opposite ideas. Everyone is asleep. The sun is rising. She drinks long from a bottle of liquor, takes a razor blade from the table and locks herself in the bathroom. She cuts herself, using the blade to write "F--K UP" large across her left forearm.

The nurse at the treatment center finds the wound several hours later. The center has no detox, names her too great a risk, and does not accept her. For the next five days, she is ours to love. We become her hospital and the possibility of healing fills our living room with life. It is unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her church, the body of Christ coming alive to meet her needs, to write love on her arms.

She is full of contrast, more alive and closer to death than anyone I've known, like a Johnny Cash song or some theatre star. She owns attitude and humor beyond her 19 years, and when she tells me her story, she is humble and quiet and kind, shaped by the pain of a hundred lifetimes. I sit privileged but breaking as she shares. Her life has been so dark yet there is some soft hope in her words, and on consecutive evenings, I watch the prettiest girls in the room tell her that she's beautiful. I think it's God reminding her.

I've never walked this road, but I decide that if we're going to run a five-day rehab, it is going to be the coolest in the country. It is going to be rock and roll. We start with the basics; lots of fun, too much Starbucks and way too many cigarettes...

Sunday night is church and many gather after the service to pray for Renee, this her last night before entering rehab. Some are strangers but all are friends tonight. The prayers move from broken to bold, all encouraging. We're talking to God but I think as much, we're talking to her, telling her she's loved, saying she does not go alone...

After church our house fills with friends, there for a few more moments before goodbye. Everyone has some gift for her, some note or hug or piece of encouragement. She pulls me aside and tells me she would like to give me something. I smile surprised, wondering what it could be. We walk through the crowded living room, to the garage and her stuff.

She hands me her last razor blade, tells me it is the one she used to cut her arm and her last lines of cocaine five nights before. She's had it with her ever since, shares that tonight will be the hardest night and she shouldn't have it. I hold it carefully, thank her and know instantly that this moment, this gift, will stay with me. It hits me to wonder if this great feeling is what Christ knows when we surrender our broken hearts, when we trade death for life.

As we arrive at the treatment center, she finishes: "The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope."

I have watched life come back to her, and it has been a privilege. When our time with her began, someone suggested shifts but that is the language of business. Love is something better. I have been challenged and changed, reminded that love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions. Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly."

for the entire story please go to:
To Write Love On Her Arms

We are half-way through National Suicide Prevention Week. Please take time to pray for those that think the only choice left is death; and please take the time to look for the hurting, the lonely...the obvious and not-so-obvious ones that desperately need to know there is hope..and love.
Be the hope and love they need.
For more information about awareness and suicide prevention, go here.
If you struggle with depression, eating disorders, self-injury or just need someone safe to listen to you; please see this.

Success

2010-08-28T21:27:00.001-07:00

Paul is considered by most Christians to have been "successful" in his ministry of reaching out to non-believers, discipleship and church planting.

Paul was also beaten, shipwrecked, and put in prison.

Being a "successful" Christian doesn't sound as exciting after that knowledge...

Father God,
Please do not let me base my faithfulness, obedience or peace of being in Your will on how many students attend our events, how many students get baptized in our ministry, or how liked we are by others. Whether "results" of our ministry attempts be good or bad, it is for Your glory and the purposes You want to accomplish...even if that purpose be my humility. Thanks, God, love You.
In Your Son's name I pray,
Amen

Mary, This is Your Life!!

2010-08-24T09:23:00.001-07:00

In the fall of 1998, all seniors received a little scrapbook type thing to help "document and remember their senior year." I, being a girl and "me", thought this was a great idea and diligently filled it out through-out the year. It had things to fill out like:

On a typical day I...

Roll out of bed at "5:45 on a marching practice morning and 8:45 on a no band morning"
Eat lunch with "Jessica Greer, Teresa Miller, Jennifer Sulak, Dalyn Williams, Stacy Cundiff, Brittany Vrla, Julie Haisler, Alyson Lewis, Alison Jinks and Alice Anderson"

The Price of Life...

A burger and fries $3.75
For a gallon of gas $.89
A soft drink $.79

I was a baby, but growing Christian that year and most of my book reflects this, as in

My Favorite Pick-up lines are...

"You know God? Me too!"
"We're Baptists- we don't shake hands, we hug!"
"Nice Bible...."

Favorite Music Groups...

"Jars of Clay, Third Day, Clay Cross, 4 Him, Point of Grace, Rebecca St. James and Michael W. Smith"

I also was completely infatuated with the first real Christian boy I ever dated, JJ Lusk...my book reflects this too:

That Special Someone...

I fell hard for.... "JJ Lusk"
The moments I'll remember best..."That Saturday looking @ the stars in his arms...Going to the Ft. Worth zoo...Getting lost on the way to the mall...Getting pulled over with Merideth and Andy...When he gave me a promise ring...Laughing at his Hellen Keller jokes...sitting together in church...praying together...watching him teach/play with the kids in his class at church...eating at Don Jose's after church every Sunday...ETC and ETC" (this plus more literally took up a whole page, not to mention all the other places he was mentioned throughout the book)

The Best Thing About Being a Senior is...

"Not being a freshman! Being able to look back @ how far you've come and what (how much) you've learned...Grabbing on to the little bit of yourself that you know and reaching for the little bit of the future that you've got planned..."

The Day I'll Remember Best...

"Day of Graduation Practice...Teachers knew we wouldn't actually listen, so they let us do anything. Spending the whole day laughing, remembering, crying, dreaming, and praying that we'd all keep our sanity until Friday night! Loving the people you never knew you cared too much about, and holding on to the people who would soon become memories because of distance & circumstance."

My Plans after High School...

"COLLEGE! Ever since I was little, I knew I wanted to be a teacher!"

My Career will be...

"An elementary music teacher @ a Christian school"

Marriage Outlook...

"I'd like to get married young but not too soon"

Family Plans...

"I want 2 or 3 kids...to live in a small town. Would like to be a preacher/youth minister's wife if that's still in God's will."

And of course, the best part is letting others sign it, saying good-bye, letting them tell you what they'll remember...

"Mary, Hey girl! It has been fun this year! I hope that you will become what you want to be in life. Stay nice and sweet~ Brandi D"

"Hey, Mary; WE MADE IT!!! Almost anyway. I hope you have fun in college, don't actually work too much. I'll get my book finished eventually, I promise. Keep in touch so I can send you a copy & keep your eyes peeled for the movie someday. Later! Keep practicing that magic, sorceress...Jeff F"

There were lots of "best wishes," "best friends forever" and "love you"s...But an inscription stuck out to me only years later as I looked through this book :

"To the Darst Beast:
Another year has passed. Graduation looms ominously on the horizon. AGH!
You really are a gem, Mary, you're one of the few people I've met that hold their beliefs and not try to press them on others, namely me. You will now go on to college, and become insanely successful. When I knock on your door in 20 years asking for a handout, don't be surprised.
Later Babe, Matt M."

10 years + later, it's interesting to look at this...especially if you know me!
~Out of all the friends I ate lunch with EVERY day for YEARS...I only barely keep in touch with 4 or 5 via Facebook, but would consider none of them close friends at all, sadly.
~I've changed, and bands have changed, only 1 of those music groups do I still listen to.
~I did NOT marry JJ Lusk, but continued to hold on to him emotionally for about a year and a half. He was my model and expectation for what a Christian boyfriend/husband should be. Despite my dreams and prayers, we did NOT go to college together and have a youth ministry and family together like we once had planned. He eventually went to a Bible college in Oklahoma (I think) and I went to East Texas Baptist University. We both eventually married and did youth ministry. But not with each other, like we'd promised.
~I did not become a teacher
~ I did not even finish college, though I attempted it twice!

Two things I've learned looking back:
James 4:13-17 is true:
Look here, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a profit.” 14 How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. 15 What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.” 16 Otherwise you are boasting about your own plans, and all such boasting is evil.
17 Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it.

James is not getting on to them because they're planning for the future. He is not belittling them for dreaming of what they want. He is warning them that to plan for the future without regard for what God thinks is best; is boasting. Boasting in a way we would never say out loud...we'd never say, "I know better and can plan my life better than God!" But, that's what we are essentially saying when we plan for the future based on our own desires, will and might.

"This is all about God’s will; and, the principle aspect of God’s will is not so much what we plan and develop in our lives, but whether or not we are aligning ourselves with His plan. It is far more important that our focus be that our character and fruit come from Him, not so much in the specific actions in life such as school, career, or who to date and marry. Rather, the important thing is “who” and “how” we are in those areas. Our character and fruit must come first. Our relationship with, and focus on Him helps determine our actions in life. When we operate within His love and precepts, then His will becomes clear."

Who and how was I my last year in high school? That was the last time I EVER saw some of those people. What do they remember about me? Did I waste my light that year?

Obviously, I was immature and infatuated. I did some stupid thing, despite my struggles to grow spiritually. Sometimes I look back and am ashamed at who and how I was that year...but my friend, Matt, reminds me what it all came down to. Matt knew that I did stupid things and regretted them. He wasn't a Christian and he didn't judge me for "messing up" when I did. I'm surprised he never called me a hypocrite...He called me a "gem"...but what he was going to remember about me most was that "you're one of the few people I've met that hold their beliefs and not try to press them on others, namely me." At first, it sounded like I failed...I never tried to convert him?!? But I don't think I failed as a Christ-follower...I think I lived out the forgiveness and the love that I knew I'd received..and Matt got THAT. He didn't get "See You at the Pole"...he never wanted to join the "Prayer Warriors" club at Tab....he didn't think it was fun to go to "Hell House" at Halloween with the youth groups in town. But he understood what I believed -without me telling him he was wrong. He knew I loved and appreciated him, that I was different, despite the fact that I screwed up. He knew I was a Christian and what I believed without ever having to have that conversation. (You know, "that" conversation that Christians are "supposed to have" where we tell people they're wrong, going to hell and by the way, God loves you! and then ignore them the rest of the time...?)

That18 year old girl had big plans; plans to change the world! She's had doors slammed and dreams die; but grew to know and be known; to love and be loved by the God whose dreams are one hundred times bigger and better than some 18 year old...or a 29 year old one too!

I pray that this school year will be amazing for you and your children/students. Be a light in the darkness where you are. Don't waste this year....find where God is and what He's doing in your school and join Him there. And if you have to let your plans change along the way, it's ok...I promise you, it will be more than worth it!!

Running in the Dark

2010-08-14T10:20:00.000-07:00

After not running for a month, I have recently gotten back to my running/training. And, even though it's hard at times, I love it! I love how I feel when I run and I love knowing I'm putting work into staying healthy and taking care of the body (temple) God's given me. I usually go at 6 am for several reasons: 1) I want to run in the coolest part of my west Texas day. 2)Besides sleep, there is nothing else I should/could be doing at that time. 3)When I run in the morning, it makes me feel more alert the entire day, no need for coffee! (though I still drink it once or twice a week)
However, unlike in May/June, there is NO light outside at 6 or even 6:30 am. Like, the sun does not even start to peek out till after 6:30am. (See my running blog to read about my running adventures) So, I went shopping yesterday to make myself feel safer about running in the dark. I bought my new friend, Ms. Mace (her marital status is ambiguous at this point)

I also bought some reflective bands to go around my ankles when I run. I'm sure I will make all the walkers/runners jealous with my awesome morning run outfits...it was either reflective bands, or a stylish vest a-like so...

And so, as I was doing my shopping yesterday (realizing I'm getting better and better at finding my way around sports/athletic stores surprisingly enough!) I realized I was paying money to assuage my fears. We do not live in a big city of murders or kidnapping...but I had a fear of someone attacking or hurting me as I walked/ran alone in the dark. I had fears about not being seen as a drunken or sleep deprived person careened down our street. (unfortunately this DOES happen in our town/on our street) I have enough excuses that make me want to give up running, I did not want to give in to fear; yet again in my life. I just didn't want fear to stop me from running.

And I thought about the irony of that thought. Usually running and fear go hand in hand, don't they? When we are afraid, we run. It's human instinct. When we get scared of something, we run away. How often do we get scared and run TOWARD the thing that scares us?!? It goes against an innate self-protection trigger. We would be making ourselves completely vulnerable as we ran towards something that we feared.

Let's twist this thought a little.

We fear being found vulnerable. We do not open ourselves, our hearts, up to most people because of fear. And due to things in our past, this is a justifiable self-protection trigger. Somewhere in the past, we trusted someone (or plural) and they used our vulnerability against us..in gossip, in abuse, in threats for power, etc. You've been there. We all have. So, our hearts say, "Heck, I am NOT going to go through THAT again!" so we are very selective in who we allow ourselves to truly open up to. We may eventually let in our spouse and a friend or two or maybe, rarely, three. To some degree. It's dangerous to put yourself out there. To run towards someone else with all your might, pursuing them, wearing your heart on your sleeve on the way- crossing that distance between you.

And God did. He ran.

In Luke 15 we read:
Jesus continued: "There was a man who had two sons. ¹²The younger one said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between them.

¹³"Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. ¹⁴After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. ¹⁵So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. ¹⁶He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

¹⁷"When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! ¹⁸I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. ¹⁹I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' ²⁰So he got up and went to his father.

"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

²¹"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.

²²"But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. ²³Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. ²⁴For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.

God, the Father, did not allow the fear of rejection stop Him from running. He did not let the fear of PAST rejection stop Him from running. He did not let the fear of ridicule of the servants stop Him from running. He did not let the fear of financial bankruptcy stop Him from running. He did not let the fear of "Our relationship can never be the same!" stop Him from running. He did not let the fear of ______________ (ANYTHING!!!) stop Him from running!!!

Isn't that amazing!!! This same God lives in YOU, if you belong to Him. He can and will give you the strength to overcome your fears of running in the dark; of making yourself vulnerable to others. Take the risk...run in the dark...you'll see marvelous things as the son appears.

A Piece of Glass

2010-08-07T23:35:00.000-07:00

Future D-now material inspiration????

"Who are you that lies when you stare in my face
Telling me that I’m just a trace of the person I once was
Cause we're not the same, you're just a picture of me
You’re gone as soon as I leave; you've lived my life for me
And you're no more than a piece of glass
You're no more than just a piece of glass"

A mirror reflects a man's face, but what he is really like is shown by the kind of friends he chooses." - Proverbs 27:19

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 1 Cor. 13:12

Going through a long line of prophets, God has been addressing our ancestors in different ways for centuries. Recently he spoke to us directly through his Son. By his Son, God created the world in the beginning, and it will all belong to the Son at the end. This Son perfectly mirrors God, and is stamped with God's nature. He holds everything together by what he says—powerful words! Hebrews 1:1

Don't fool yourself into thinking that you are a listener when you are anything but, letting the Word go in one ear and out the other. Act on what you hear! Those who hear and don't act are like those who glance in the mirror, walk away, and two minutes later have no idea who they are, what they look like. James 1:22

No Means of Retreating

2010-08-04T08:36:00.000-07:00

When Cortez landed at Vera Cruz in 1519 to begin his conquest of Mexico with small force of 700 men, he purposely set fire to his fleet of 11 ships. His men on the shore watched their only means of retreat sinking to the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico. With no means of retreat, there was only one direction to move, forward into the Mexican interior to meet whatever might come their way. In paying the price for being Christ’s disciple, you too must purposefully destroy all avenues of retreat. Resolve that whatever the price for being His follower, you will have to pay it.

• Walter Henricksen, Disciples Are Made—Not Born

Putting Down Roots

2010-08-03T21:04:00.000-07:00

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.

He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."

Jeremiah 17: 7,8

Lead Me

2010-07-17T22:36:00.000-07:00

Almost a month ago, on June 29th, Daniel and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary!! And although this is a very special date, I will always celebrate "us"on May 19th as well. That was the day that Daniel decided to fight for "us", for our marriage, for his relationship with God and his son, Chaz. June 29th, 2002 would mean nothing if May 19, 2007 hadn't happened.
Having said all that, I am so thankful that I am married to Daniel Norton. He is exactly what I should have asked for if I'd known what I needed at the age of 21; for the rest of my life. I have lots of friends married to godly husbands who are all great men that I admire, BUT, my Daniel is exactly perfect for me and I think I got the best out of them all!!! I also say this in the shadow of two of my friends' marriages ending. One is recently divorced and the other has filed. My friends are growing Christians and their husbands are not even Christians. I see first hand the difficulties of being unequally yoked, and how God's wisdom is shown in His warnings to His children. But I ache for my friends, and even their (ex) husbands who consistently live a life of sin and a life that hurts/destroys their wife and children. This makes me even more grateful for a husband who DID and continues to fight "for us" and his relationship with God.
Several months ago we got the new Sanctus Real cd and were listening to it on the way home one night. The song "Lead Me" came on and immediately it caught my attention. As I listened to the words, I started crying, trying to "suck it up" until I looked over at Daniel; who was also crying. I love that boy and the life we live together; a life of ministry, of family and of love. Here's the lyrics...you should find the song and listen when you get a chance:

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Sick, Super Summer and Special 5 Year Old!!

2010-06-14T13:10:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure that I lost 5lbs today just by blowing my nose. (jk)
I am whiny and sick!!! I am home alone all week with a low fever and 2 kids...one who's feeling just fine and another who's a little under the weather with me. Daniel is at Super Summer this week with our leadership kids. I pray that it will be a great time for him and these kids. Daniel really needs a time of refreshment, in lots of ways, and I pray that this week will be that time for him. Our "leaders"....there are lots of requests there....I pray that they will use this time to grow and really, no, REALLY learn what being a TRUE CHRISTIAN leader is all about. Being a leader in your school is different from being a leader in your youth ministry. Being a cheerleader or student council member is VERY different than being a student ministry leader. Jesus' idea of what a leader is; is completely backward from our society today. In Matthew 20:25-27, it says:
But Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers in this world lord it over their people, and officials flaunt their authority over those under them. But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must become your slave.
Most youth ministry leaders are in that position because of popularity or because they've been IN that youth ministry the longest or grew up in that church...but that has nothing to do with Jesus' standards for leadership. I like Super Summer, but I wish that we could find a "program" or training that would focus more on important issues to TRAIN students because it's hard to be a leader, and less on playing ridiculously fun games and quirky energetic leaders. (neither of those are bad, but that's what you hear most about when you ask about what Super Summer is) Or maybe that's what kids remember because that's the depth of the impact they allowed God to make that week??? Maybe that's the problem....

On a less ranting trail....My little man turns 5 tomorrow!!! I can NOT believe it!!! 6 years ago, we had just moved to Arlington and were trying to figure out life there, when we *surprise* (sort of) got pregnant!!! I felt like the whole world had turned upside down and everything we'd had planned was about to change! And it did- that sweet boy came 9 months later and my life has been better because of him...and everything that God has taught me through him! From the moment he was born, Chaz has been very social and vocal. He learned to talk well early and had no problem with social interaction!! He was an easy baby who would let anyone hold him and has always loved attention.
Not much has changed! He has never met a stranger, and he loves very easily. Chaz loves to make people laugh and still likes to snuggle with his mommy and daddy! He's learning, since he was in pre-school this year, what it means to be a friend and what kind of friend he needs to be. He talks a LOT about Jesus and what it means for God to come into your heart. He has a lot of questions; many, many questions; some of which I can't even get our teenage students to consider!! :) He is a great big brother....protecting his sister and trying to take care of her when he can. Even if he does pick on her sometimes, no one else is allowed to!! He prays at the drop of a hat, sometimes reminding his parents that instead of worrying we should pray; and remembers special things about the important people in his life, even if he can't remember to always wash his hands after going to the bathroom. When I have gone through so many times in my life of loneliness or sadness, his little boy hugs and kisses have made me feel special and loved. I see Jesus in my son, and I pray someday, when he is ready, Chaz will make that commitment and start an eternal relationship with my Father. I am blessed and honored that God would trust me with someone so amazing, smart, handsome, funny, creative, loving, affectionate and important;
my Chaz.

A Friday of Firsts and Finales

2010-06-11T12:29:00.000-07:00

Firsts:
-First run/walk today! I'm in a little pain now, but it's more soreness in places I guess I'm still healing in! Doctor said I could start training, so I'm assuming since I pay him so well he was being honest!! :) Check out my other blog See Mommy Run and be sure to start commenting soon because VERY soon I'll get to some hard spots (2 weeks?) and I will desperately need your encouragement!

-First day of editing the "This Side of the Wardrobe" or whatever I'm going to call this CoNarnia devotional. This is where I need help!! I'm assuming that even if you don't comment ever, I mean, often...that there are still some of you or all 8 of you lurking out there. I need a trusted, interested friend to read this for me! You can grammatically edit it, or just read it and give me your idea/opinion. Your opinion could be on what I should change, who I should market it to specifically, from a teenagers point of view is it interesting? From a youth worker's point of view, or from a parent of a teenager, is this something someone out there might like/use? Anyway, let me know if you'd be interested in reading my stuff and not copyrighting it for yourself (lol)

Finales:

-Final day of Vacation Bible School! Yeehaw! Our theme was Lifeway's Saddle Ridge Ranch...and it was actually fun and well done, I think, material wise. Our church did a great job of loving those kids! We had about 57 (?) adults and youth volunteers throughout the week and I don't know how many kids total, but the highest attended day we had 117 kids. We raised over $160 to go towards Operation Christmas Child!! I was the Missions Teacher again this year, and LOVED it! I think I actually prefer to see every grade, versus staying with one age group, throughout the day! It's a lot of work, but I love it! We learned about different kinds of missionaries (Mission Service Corp, Journeyman and Xtreme) from all over the world this week, and I actually learned a lot too. I learned a lot about just being obedient. It's a simple act that has potential to take you on amazing adventures!

-Final day of Youth VBS! As I'm typing, Daniel is relaxing by the pool (aka wrestling with teenage boys) and our two wonderfully exhausted and getting sick children are sleeping...HARD. And I appreciate that. :) Over all, we had about 35 students attend this week. Not a huge number, but that's also not what we were looking for. We actually had a really, really good time having them over every night, eating food, making messes and loving our kids...playing Doctor Dodgeball in our backyard and talking about what Jesus has to do with the real life of an American teenager. Our theme was "I'm A Loser" (which is a D-now material I wrote years ago....yet another material I can re-edit for use and publication!) and we had our best discussion yet to date Thursday night. Our kids (most of them, anyway) are starting to honestly think beyond the "Sunday School Answer" or just telling us what they think we want to hear. We have been praying for them a lot more lately, and that has made us really fall in love with them with the love GOD has for them. Our house will for a short time still show a little of the effects of this week (potato chip crumbs on the floor, needing a mopping from kool-aid spills, etc) but I hope that their hearts, like mine, will never be able to quite go back to how they used to be. Did I mention I love our students???? :)

And in other news....

Daniel leaves for Super Summer on Monday! I will be at home with our two kids all week long!! Whew! I will miss him for so many reasons, lol. I'll also be taking care of a friend's little boy who is 7 and is one of Chaz's friends, for the week as well. (9-noon on most days) Pray for ME (and Chaz and Hannah!) and Daniel and the students that are going: Alyssa, Thomas, Trenton, J. and Timothy.

That was a lot, I know, but thanks guys and hope to hear from you!

Ay de mi....

2010-06-04T11:13:00.000-07:00

So, I smirked every time I read or was told about women who pushed themselves too far after surgery and lengthened their recovery time. I thought, "Why would you do that? And, don't they KNOW they're not supposed to do too much?....I wonder how much is too much?" Well, ladies and gentlemen, point the mirror this direction please....

For the last week(ish) I have been feeling SO much better!!! I've physically only felt a little sore and the last 2 days I haven't felt sore at all! So...you can guess what I've done...I've started picking up Hannah a few times (like 6 or 8), Wednesday night I helped scrape glue off the Youth floor (we're stripping it to stain the cement bc it floods and ruined the carpet) for an hour, Thursday I carried buckets of water trying to empty out the kiddie pool, and I've been walking for several mornings to get back into some sort of shape before I start the "REAL" training after my release (*see end of blog), and this morning I decided to try walking faster than normal. (in my defense, an older lady walked past me on the track and almost doubled up again...so I thought surely I should be walking faster, right?) Well, and I hope I don't gross anyone out here, I got home and realized that I'd been bleeding a bit. (I haven't bled AT ALL since the day of surgery) Called the nurse, she asked questions; told me to rest and don't push myself so hard. I'm going in Wednesday for my "release" so they'll check it out then as long as it doesn't get worse. *sigh* Eh, what's a girl to do??? I wasn't trying to be stupid, it just happened!

And I realize that's the way bitterness had gotten such a hold on me. I wasn't trying to be bitter; it just happened! I gave it permission in little steps, allowances at a time. Every time I was disappointed or hurt (leaving friends, no job, no house, no more kids, far away from family, physical pain, depression, Christians who hurt you, loneliness, etc) I gave bitterness a little more ground; let it get its foot in the door until it had set up house in my heart; and you know how hard it is to pack and move!! :) But when I decided that Truth is true and the rest are lies...Lies only have a facade of power. Darkness HAS to flee from light.

So, I have to go back to resting some more than I have been. Make sure that I am good and recovered before I try to be "normal" again. lol I have to guard and protect my body and heart so that I can heal. (You know what I mean!)

*I've started a new blog as I'm getting back in shape and training for a 5k and beyond (hopefully)! Check it out and answer any questions you can and leave me some encouragement or tips, please! See Mommy Run!

Goals!

2010-05-28T19:14:00.000-07:00

"Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresea, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein."

So, after having surgery and feeling pretty much amazing now (lol) I am hoping to get back in the game of Life. (not the Milton Bradley kind, because I always spin way low numbers) And thus, I am making goals for myself! It's time to "clean house" in so many ways...let go of lots of things, take hold of new ones with those empty hands! "Time to breathe in and let everything out..." as the song says!!

Goal #1
I will be running in a 5k sometime this fall! Not sure what or where yet, but I have always wanted to run. And run well. Even when I was the severely underweight girl or the averagely healthy girl; I could never run without my lungs revolting. I even used to dream about running...not away from anything, but like a good, happy dream of running! So, once I receive the "clearance" from my doctor, I will begin a 8-9 week program to get in shape so that I can run in a 5k this fall! (there's a few in the area, I just haven't registered yet) I'm trying to decide between two training schedules right now; one is from the Mayo Clinic and the other is Cool Running.com Having never done this, I'm not sure which method will be best for me, but if you have any advice, I'd like to hear it! My friend, Sara, ran a half-marathon last year and she's offered to help me out; so I feel good knowing that someone with experience is right here with me!! I've also come to realize that I will have to retrain myself in the physical act of running/jogging. I actually run on my toes, which is said to work your calves but also causes early fatigue while running...So, I need to learn how to land on the ball of my feet and roll; just like I learned to do in good ol' marching band in high school. :)

A second goal I have set for myself is a short(er)-term one. I LOVE to write...LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it! I especially love to write materials used in youth ministry or for teenagers. This last year I wrote a 30 day devotional for my sister, Stephanie, based on The Chronicles of Narnia book, Prince Caspian, called "This Side of Narnia: Prince Caspian" My goal is to re-edit this material for general use (I made it personal for her tastes, inside jokes, etc) and ready for possible publication. Also, to begin taking notes for creating a new 30 day devotional based on "The Voyage of the Dawntreader" which is the next book in the series and is also being made into a movie that will be released this December. I want to have this accomplished by the end of August. (summer is always a ridiculously busy time for us, so I'm hoping that 3ish months is good!) Again, I post this publicly to hopefully encounter some accountability and encouragement!

I am brilliant at setting goals, making them specific...dreaming up ideas is something I enjoy...however, I KNOW that follow-through is one of my life-threatening (lol) weaknesses! Consistency is follow-through's brother. But anyone can change, right? All things are possible, no? I feel like a new person; physically, emotionally, spiritually...and I love it!!!

Lesson On Essentials for an Unforgettable Summer

2010-05-28T14:31:00.000-07:00

Here is an easy summer kick-off lesson to use for your youth ministry...or modified for any age group! I found this lesson as as a freebie on Simply Youth Ministry about 6 years ago that we've modified and used several times! Hope this helps someone!

I use a beach bag and pack the following items in it:
a watch
sunblock
a beach towel
flip flops
cell phone
bottle of water
bread

Here's the Leader's Notes on it:

School may not end until tomorrow, but I know where your thoughts are. They’re not in that classroom, but on SUMMER. So today I wanna talk about some essential things you need for an unforgettable summer:

(Pull out one item at a time from bag. )
"Why would you need this, this summer?"
"What could it symbolize spiritually?"
(say after you remove each item)

Make sure to include tangible things that your ministry/church/group are doing for each area that they can get involved in..like serving at a soup kitchen or going to camp to build relationships, etc....

Watch – Watch your time -

14whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. James 4:14

Summer seems to give us an illusion of lots of free time. We can veg out or sleep the days away and before we know it our life is over and what do we have to show for it:
I’m 7 shades darker than I was in May.
I played video games all summer
Remember your time on earth is limited, so don’t waste any of your time this summer.

Sun Screen – Protect yourself –

11Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,[c] against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Ephesians 6:11-13

There’s a war going on and some of you don’t even know it. I’m not talking about the Gulf War or in some strange country, but the battle going on for your heart and soul. It’s called spiritual warfare, and if you’re not protected and fighting, then you’re probably already a casualty. Protect your heart this summer from the ways that Satan wants to make you fall.

Towel – Jesus Served we should serve

John 13:1-5 & 12-17
1It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love.[a]
2The evening meal was being served, and the devil had already prompted Judas Iscariot, son of Simon, to betray Jesus. 3Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; 4so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. 5After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.
12When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. "Do you understand what I have done for you?" he asked them. 13"You call me 'Teacher' and 'Lord,' and rightly so, for that is what I am. 14Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. 15I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 16I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

Serve somebody it does not matter who or when but just serve- you’ll have lots of opportunities, I promise.
You are never closer to being like Jesus then when you serve.

Flip Flops – Walk as Jesus Walked
3We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. 4The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. 5But if anyone obeys his word, God's love[b] is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: 6Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did. 1 John 2:3-6
Not actually walking as Jesus walked, not like He had a limp or something, but walking and living like Jesus lived

Phone – Connect with people and God

1Thessalonians 5:11
11Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
When you talk to people this summer, remember to let your words be encouraging, to build them up; not to tear them down.
Mark 1:35
35Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.

If Jesus needed to stay connected to God in His life on earth, I think that’s a sign that we need to stay connected with God too. Our cell phone has about 1000 minutes, we don’t use them all, but we use a lot. Anybody know how many minutes they’ve used this month/week? Think about how much time we spend on our phones…how much time do we spend with God?

Water-Walk out on faith

22Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, 24but the boat was already a considerable distance[a] from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.
25During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.
27But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."
28"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
29"Come," he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"
31Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" Matt 14:22-31
Walk out on faith this summer: Even when it doesn’t make sense, or the situation seems too big: Follow God hard this summer. He is a God of grand adventures. He’s not limited in this building, He’s out there asking you to follow Him to do great crazy things. Walk on some water this summer: follow God to do have an amazing adventure.

<span style="font-weight:bold;">Bread-for survival
–Matthew 4:4
4Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.
Get in God’s word this summer. You have no excuse not to. See what He has to say to you today and what He’s done in the past. Start in the book called John if you need a place to start. But just start!

(Challenge them to choose one or two areas that they are going to improve or focus on this summer and pray)

I'm ending the affair

2010-05-23T07:49:00.000-07:00

I should never have let our relationship get this far...so I'm sorry. I knew you were wrong for me, that we shouldn't be together, but it happened so fast and so innocently; we were involved before I even knew it. Oh, I knew the signs...hadn't I cast enough stones at other people to be aware when I, myself, started an affair?!?

We're just not good for each other, and because I belong to someone else, I should never have given as much of myself, or ANY of myself, to YOU. Sure, it seemed good at the time, it felt good too...but that's the way these things go, right? We even carried on in public, that's the worst part. But I guess keeping things secret wouldn't have been better, necessarily. I've dealt with guilt on top of it all now too. Serves me right, I guess.

You'll be just fine without me. In fact, I'm sure I'm not the only one you were carrying on with. You probably have someone new already. But, me...this will take time. I'm not sure how to live without you anymore, how unhealthy is THAT? It will be a moment by moment decision not to call you, not to relive those memories...I should be thinking of HIM instead of you. I'm not quite sure who I am now, you've changed me... or I've changed...but I want to know who I am without you. What does the future hold when I move on without you?

And so, Bitterness, we are through. I'm severing ties with you...I do not belong to you in any way, I know Whom I've belonged to and I've been unfaithful. Thank God, He forgives me. What kind of lover is that? But, I'll take it! We were never good for each other, and you only make things worse...No more. So, good-bye. Hopefully, the next time we meet, I'll be a different girl and I'll just smile and pass you by. I won't remember you with fondness, or long for the past we had...but I will walk with an uplifted heart and a hope, a hope for something beautiful.

The Call (a dream)

2010-05-02T17:04:00.000-07:00

It seemed to always be dusk, and the sky was always slashed with colors of orange and red that didn’t seem to quite belong. My brother, Tim and I were running down a flight of steps in some metropolitan city, looking back over our shoulders for the enemy and trying not to trip. The only reason I wasn’t crying was because I knew I had to run for my life; otherwise I would have been bawling on the floor and not much help to Tim.

They had already gotten to Daniel. They knew he was a youth minister in our local church; publicly claiming to be a Christian and leading others to live such a way of life was already enough “proof” to have him killed, and so they did. I had to find my family or else I knew I would be all alone through all this. Thank God, Tim and I found each other some how...they were herding us all like cattle into centralized locations for lock-down and an “introduction” to the new way of life they were bringing. We were going to need each other to survive this. I still didn’t know how Tim had gotten away from them; #1- he was male, #2- he had worked at churches in the past...but that wouldn’t matter if we couldn’t find our way out in the next few moments.

And then suddenly, they were behind us speaking in a language we couldn’t understand but making their intentions fairly clear with guns leveled at Tim. There was no time to think before the bullet found him, and I was alone again. I swear the world stopped; after everything else I’d been through...I couldn’t take losing Tim too. I should have kept running, even as unlikely as it was that I’d get away, but I couldn’t just leave his body for some reason...he hadn’t left me, I couldn’t leave him...even if he was gone.

Sobbing the entire time, they pushed and drug me back to the camp; through the gates and doors and into the common area. It must have been nice once, but now a broken fountain and cardboard houses filled the area. Nauseating smells of disease and hopelessness filled my lungs and I tried to cry until I realized I’d never stopped. What was I going to do now???

I knew what was supposed to happen...every Christian male was to be killed and every female brought to one of their camps where they would be “indoctrinated” with a serum shot to erase their memories and alter their thoughts. After this step was considered “successful” they would be taken as wives for the “approved” men who were in the militant religious group that had taken over our country. As husband and wife they would repopulate the country with children brought up in “the truth” as taught by their leader.

For some reason, the serum didn’t work on me. Oh, I let them believe that is was slowly making a difference. But I was really just stalling until I found my family or some way of escape. And I had lost both. What was the point in living anymore? I thought. I’ll never agree to what they are demanding and so they’ll probably kill me eventually. I had no idea where my family was or if there even was a chance of finding them!

Maybe I fell asleep, maybe I was so engrossed in my thoughts that I hadn’t noticed it had gotten dark and I was alone beside the fountain. Either way, I was sure I was dreaming when my brother, Tommy, came walking calmly up to me. He sat down beside me and said, “I thought I’d never find you! Do you know where anyone else is?!?”

I said, “They killed Daniel before we made it here. Tim and I were running when they shot him. I’m alone now.”

“No,” Tommy said, “You’re not.” Looking me straight in the eyes he said, “We’ll get through this together and we’ll find others on the way.” Realizing that I was still myself and not altered by the serum he said, “How are you doing this? How are you still alive if it’s not working on you?”

“I’m not sure, honestly. I don’t know why it’s not working. It seems to put everyone else into some kind of dream-like trance as they go about their days. But I just stay awake, no matter how much they use” I said. “Now, what are we going to do, how are we going to get out of here? YOU especially have to get out of here!”

Shaking his head, Tommy replied, “We can’t get out of here. Many people besides you and Tim have tried and failed. Besides, where would we go? It’s like this everywhere!”

“So,” I said bewildered, “you’re idea is to just stay here? And what? Die? Go along with the lies and filth they’re replacing our lives with? They shot Daniel, there is no way I’m going to be the wife of the man who did THAT! I saw them kill Tim, I can’t just forget that. There’s no way they’re going to let me live once they figure out they can’t control me.”

Tommy said, “I don’t really have a plan. I don’t know what’s going to happen.” Here he let me roll my eyes and sigh in defeat and anger. Then he continued, “But I do know what we have to do. We have to wake the others, Mary. There’s got to be other people who aren’t being changed either, or maybe those who aren’t too far gone. We can wake them up! I don’t know how we’ll do it, but we have to wake the others.”

This is a dream that I had when we moved to Arlington six years ago. For awhile I had this dream many times, each time a little more detail would fill in, but it was always the same; same story, same colors of gray, black, red, yellow and orange; and ended with me waking up after hearing, “We have to wake the others.” I had the same dream again a year ago when we moved here. I believe that God can speak to people through their dreams, and this has been one for me. I don’t know what it all means, or why, but it’s become a sort of mantra for ministry and life for me. God calls His people to live differently. To not get caught up in the world and all it has to offer, while at the same time being IN the world in order to make a difference. I have been awoken to what REAL life is about and what it’s like...and there are others going about their life without hope, meaning, true peace, joy and all that God has to offer. They are living their life in such a way to make them feel like everything’s ok, but to leave them feeling like there’s got to be more to life than what they’ve got. My friend, Jeff, drew a picture after I told some friends about this dream, and that picture hangs in our living room as a reminder....a reminder that I have a calling...a call to wake the others.

I Do Awkward Well

2010-01-07T19:42:00.000-08:00

Since basically the beginning of this school year, I have been leading/teaching primarily our middle school ministry. I was kind of hesitant to say the least, and honestly, not as excited as I should have been. I really like having "deep" conversations that stay on one topic longer than 30 seconds. I'm older and not very energetic, I don't keep up on how Miley Cyrus is doing on the charts, I get easily confused when the BFF changes weekly, just to name a few more that came to mind. But many months later...I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Middle School ministry. I have never finished any of my degree plans, but I love to learn, so I've become a student majoring in all things Middle School related. I've read lots of books and articles to help understand these young teenagers and how they work. I've learned a lot about them (and myself!) along the way:

-Middle school kids are coming into youth ministry as concrete thinkers. They are gaining the ability to think abstractly, but it's a new tool for them. A muscle that they haven't used much prior to the age of 12...so it will take time and practice to really use it well. So through-out Middle School, teenagers will float in and out of concrete and abstract thinking. This is important why??? Well, in case you haven't noticed, much of our faith is some pretty abstract stuff. A concrete thinker believes that this morning he was sad, then he played with his dog and got happier. So, the dog made him happy. And then you want to explain to this guy how the Kingdom of God is inside of him and at work through him. In the middle of a lesson, you can be teaching on using your gifts, when a 7th grader announces that he's a good singer as he goes into his best rendition of a Smashmouth song. It's a lot easier to have deep abstract discussions with a high school junior, but what if I can be the one to challenge and help that 11 year old begin to question and own his faith, help him to practice using his abstract thinking muscle? I love being a part of that.

-Middle school kids are generally honest. They have no problem telling you things: from the fact that you have a booger in your left nostril, to the fact that they secretly set up a Myspace account but worry about the older guys asking to be their friends. It's like they don't know that they "shouldn't" tell you this stuff. Junior High girls are this way especially...It's like every relationship/friendship they start at this age is intensely intimate. Sure, it may start off talking about how "Jessica" went and told "Emily" the secret she wasn't supposed and how she'll never talk to "Jessica" ever again, but then (if you make the effort) you end up talking about trust and eventually about how their dad left their mom when they were 3 and hasn't looked them up since...and how they have 5 "BFF's" but it's really only "Amber" that they trust. Girls get real, real fast in the right opportunities. Granted this doesn't happen in the 5 minutes before the lesson or the 10 minutes waiting on their ride (although it could.) We gain their trust by showing them that we care about them outside of church, out there in the real world where they have to live out all the things they talked about in small group Wednesday night.
Boys...hmmm...that's a whole other blog post by itself. :) But well worth learning about if you work with middle students.

-Middle School students still think things (and you!) are cool. Most of the time. You can be completely out of style, but if you let them know you think they're cool, you're in for life. They are looking for a more mature person to come beside and walk with them through this roller coaster of hormones, new feelings and experiences. They may joke about you being "old" but they get upset when you don't show up to their basketball game. You may have no idea who Jay-Z (is that how you spell it??) is, but if they know you like Switchfoot and they like Switchfoot, then they'll come up to you first thing that morning after it's release to ask you what you thought about the new CD. They look up to us and EXPECT us to "model" life for them. We actually disappoint and confuse them when they mention something they expect us to call them out on and we let it slide. (showing them grace=loving accountability, not winking at sin) Also, side note...you can play silly games that you secretly think are cool, and they willingly join in. And then beg you to play it again. We have a four square space set up in our "game room" that gets used every Wednesday night. Enough said.

Things break. Often. Middle School ministers have to explain why the bride-room mirror bust during the lock-in. Or why buying a pig snout from the grocery store should come out of the youth ministry budget. Female drama. Boys who don't use deodorant. An hour long trip on a bus where you ride with the windows rolled down the whole time. (you know why.) Middle school ministry is messy. "Beautiful chaos" is usually how I describe Middle School ministry. Middle school ministry is awkward at best, most of the time. But I do awkward well.

Good Monsters

2010-01-06T21:05:00.000-08:00

War broke out in Heaven. Michael and his Angels fought the Dragon. The Dragon and his Angels fought back, but were no match for Michael. They were cleared out of Heaven, not a sign of them left. The great Dragon—ancient Serpent, the one called Devil and Satan, the one who led the whole earth astray—thrown out, and all his Angels thrown out with him, thrown down to earth. Then I heard a strong voice out of Heaven saying,

Salvation and power are established!
Kingdom of our God, authority of his Messiah!
The Accuser of our brothers and sisters thrown out,
who accused them day and night before God.
They defeated him through the blood of the Lamb
and the bold word of their witness.
They weren't in love with themselves;
they were willing to die for Christ.
Revelation 12:10-11

Most Christians are willing to think that they may die for Christ, but in America, the odds are at this present time that will be very unlikely to be tested. But are we willing to die in other ways? Are we willing to let our dreams die? Will we let our plans, priorities and preferences get out of the way for God's? Makes me want to go listen to "Good Monsters" by Jars of Clay.

Here's some of the lyrics:

Not all monsters are bad
But the ones who are good
Never do what they could, never do what they could

All the good monsters rattle their chains
And dance around the open flames
They make a lot of empty noise

While all of the bright eyes turn away
As if there wasn't anything to say
About the justice and the mystery

Do you know what you are?
Do you know what you are?
We are bored of all the things that we know
And we are forms of everything we love, we love..

If good won't show its ugly face,
Evil won't you take your place?
Nothing ever changes, nothing ever changes
By itself

We are bored of all the things that we know
Do you know what you are?
Because we are so in love with ourselves

We are forms of all the things we love.

The Year in Review...again.

2009-12-31T12:24:00.000-08:00

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?

Co-existed beside tarantulas and rattlesnakes...lol

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Resolutions are usually hit and miss.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes,who didn't?!? Just kidding...Tara, Taylor, my sister-in-law Jennifer, Stacey

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes

5. What countries did you visit?

HmmmNo...sad day

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

Stronger friendships/relationships.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

February 14/15th...that's the weekend we accepted the position at our church here in Big Lake and life hasn't been the same since!!!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Moving so very far away from all my friends and family...trusting God's plans are better than my own. Striving to have real relationships of depth with new people.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Keeping in touch with people the way I'd wanted to.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Well, I get sick a lot...but nothing ever serious.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Wii fit-plus?? Griddle?? lol

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Soooo Daniel-as he still fights for purity and seeks out others to help him along the way. My parents-getting past fear and pride as they joined a church and got baptized. Jo-being honest and open to accept healing and hope. Stephanie as she leaves her comfort zone and church to be obedient and part of God's work elsewhere. Tommy as he waits *patiently* to marry the girl he loves and stands beside her through treatments and long hospital stays. Tara as she started her own ministry this year and has stepped out lots of times in obedience into "the unknown" and strives to raise a Godly family. Chaz started Pre-K in a new town with new people and has excelled! Kathy Bledsoe as she deals with her husbands death is honest about her hurts but trusts the God who made her heart to heal it.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Mine and Daniel's at times. Most people that I know have at times disappointed me, but that's because I'm human. they're allowed to be human too.

14.Where did most of your money go?

Debt. By this time next year we should be debt free!! We are living like no one else now, so we can live like no one else later!!!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Doing youth ministry again, even though it can be really stressful and disappointing at times...I still love it! AND watching my children grow up!!

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

"Here's My Life" by Barlow Girl or "Amy" by Switchfoot

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Hmmm...happier in some ways, sadder in other areas.
ii. thinner or fatter? the same, I think
iii. richer or poorer? $ wise, richer; I hope I am poorer in Spirit though!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Learned more self-discipline in some areas and let loose more in others.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Wondering "what if..." and playing less Facebook games...lol

20. Did you fall in love in 2009?

ha ha...yes, again with my husband and children and Saviour.

21. What was your favorite TV program?

I don't really watch much tv, but I did like"The Biggest Loser"

22.. What was the best book you read?

The "Love Comes Softly" Series by Jeannette Oke was really good, fiction wise...um...a friend gave me a new devotional for Christmas called, "Walk with God" by Chris Tiegreen and I really like it. Oh, I also did the Beth Moore Bible Study over Esther and I REALLY liked that too.

23. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Ummm...FM Static? New Jars of Clay, Relient K and David Crowder are good...but not necessarily new.

24. What did you want and get?

a "new" car...we have now been given TWO free cars in the last 2 years!!

25.What did you want and NOT get?

Material wise...new kitchen table and TV...but we're making due)

26. What was your favorite film of this year?
Hmmm..."Up"? Again, I don't watch a lot of movies/Tv...

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 29, and Daniel and I went out to eat and...hmm...I don't remember! I know we also went out for lunch with the staff...that was fun

28 What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Coming to grips and understanding how God is more than enough.

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

Tried to "dress up" a little more...usually jeans and t-shirt, but I "got out" more this year and Hannah is older and no longer ruins my clothes, so I branched out...lol

30. What kept you sane?

HA! I gave up on sanity long ago...jk. My wonderful husband and friends. And my children and Saviour helped me keep things in perspective. And coffee. Lots of coffee.

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I paid more attention to Kirk Cameron's career after "Fireproof"

32. What political issue stirred you the most?

Blah...healthcare. I don't want to go there right now.p>

33. Who did you miss?

My friends and family who are so very far away.

34.. Who was the best new person you met?

I met many, many new people this year (since we moved) and many of them are "best" in different ways. I'll pick Vicki Joyce, because she's real...and she makes stuff up...so she's fun.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:

Really, I guess I'm still learning the same lessons as last year, just in different ways:
God gives and takes away, and yet everything He does is right and good. Somehow. I don't see how it all works out that way, because even now lots of things don't look "good' or "right."

Also, the truth is a powerful and dangerous thing. It sets captives free, and causes other people to cower because they don't' know how to handle it. This makes sense since Jesus said He was The Truth.

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

One thing I know is that when life's moving slow
I'm not out here on my own, I've got You (to get me through this)
I'm on a long journey through mountains of apathy
And I'm not afraid to walk through

Everywhere I look it's all so different
Another city but it makes no difference
Still going through the same old issues
Everything's ok, nothing feels broken

37. The best thing you discovered this year?

Texting..lol...I'm slowly entering this world of technology...I still read books that are on PAPER too...gasp!!!
38. The best thing you lost?
Touch with friends and family who matter.

39. What are you glad to leave behind from 2009?

Being "new" in a small town.

40. What are you looking forward to in 2010?

Figuring this all out. What our family and ministry looks like now...God's vision and heart. Possibly working on publishing some of my materials??? Taking risks in general.

God's Remedy

2009-12-22T12:46:00.002-08:00

In the middle of the mall, an 18 month old girl is sitting on the floor alone and crying for her mother. People are staring and wanting to help, but most tell themselves; "you never know in our society today..." and so they keep passing her by. The child's mother is apparently no where in sight. You go over to the baby and try to pick her up, but she tries to get away and just cries harder and louder, "MOMMY!!!" So, you try again; you pick her up and say, "It's ok little girl, I'm offering to you the idea of motherhood."

How well do you think that's going to work?!?

Yeah, probably not. She doesn't want the idea of a mother, she wants the real thing!!! That's the way it is with us humans...we are personal beings, we want personal responses.

The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us.~John 1:14

What was God thinking when He sent His Son to live with us? Was He frustrated with how He'd failed to get us to behave? Did the perfect Law fail? Was turning The Word into flesh a "last-ditch effort"?

We know that from the beginning; this was ultimately God's plan. First to establish His righteousness and THEN to establish our need for His remedy.

Have you ever received a gift that was sooo not something you wanted or it was just plain ol' impersonal? When I was in my early teens, I used to collect angel figurines. I just thought they were really pretty and I was fascinated by angels. But after I turned 16, I kind of lost interest in collecting them and never asked for them anymore. I became more interested in other things. But my parents would still give me angel figurines for presents at my birthday and Christmas. So, when I turned 18, I kindly reminded them that I didn't collect them anymore and that the ones I had were currently stored in their closet (with their permission.) But...the angel figurines kept coming. When I married Daniel (about 4 years later) and we moved into our apartment, my mother brought over some of my "old stuff" from their house, and guess what was in one huge box...my angel figurines! I asked her if she wanted any of them, because the rest were going to go to Goodwill that afternoon. And she said, "You mean you don't like angels anymore?!?"

How many times did I need to send them that memo?!? Did they not know me at all??? (that's a whole other story...lol) In my Bible study this morning I read:
"When you read your Bible, does it make a difference that the Word is not just telling you what to do, but offering to re-create the fundamental nature of your spirit? When you worship God, is it better to do so with a transformed heart than with a slavish obedience to an unknown deity? Does it matter to you that instead of simply being religious as best you can, you relate to a Person -a Person who lived in the same kind of body you have and yet is still powerful and wise enough to be your God? [Someone who knows you inside out and still loves you anyway?] Are you glad your faith is this...well, personal?"

And yet, some people aren't. They'd prefer a God who leaves them alone until He's requested to show up. Sometimes, it's a little too personal, we like to have our "personal space" emotionally: with other people and with God. It can be awkward and uncomfortable; this being personal stuff. But we are flesh, and deep down; we want to relate and connect with flesh. God knew that, so Jesus came to dwell; to be Emmanuel.

"Christ became what we are that He might make us what He is." ~Athanasius of Alexandria

Merry Christmas, everyone!

God is still at work

2009-12-10T12:30:00.000-08:00

The great missionary explorer, David Livingstone, served in Africa from 1840 until his death in 1873. Pastors Robert Lewis and Wayne Cordeiro tell of an incident from Livingstone's life that illustrates the truth that God is always at work, even if we can’t immediately see what God is doing.
Livingstone was eager to travel into the uncharted lands of Central Africa to preach the gospel. On one occasion, the famous nineteenth-century missionary and explorer arrived at the edge of a large territory that was ruled by a tribal chieftain. According to tradition, the chief would come out to meet him there; Livingstone could go forward only after an exchange was made. The chief would choose any item of Livingstone's personal property that caught his fancy and keep it for himself, while giving the missionary something of his own in return.
Livingstone had few possessions with him, but at their encounter he obediently spread them all out on the ground—his clothes, his books, his watch, and even the goat that provided him with milk (since chronic stomach problems kept him from drinking the local water). To his dismay, the chief took this goat. In return, the chief gave him a carved stick, shaped like a walking stick.
Livingstone was most disappointed. He began to gripe to God about what he viewed as a stupid walking cane. What could it do for him compared to the goat that kept him well? Then one of the local men explained, "That's not a walking cane. It's the king's very own scepter, and with it you will find entrance to every village in our country. The king has honored you greatly."
The man was right. God opened Central Africa to Livingstone, and as successive evangelists followed him wave after wave of conversions occurred.
Maybe we could put it this way. Even if life seems to “get your goat,” God is still at work!

(Source: Robert Lewis and Wayne Cordeiro, The Culture Shift (Jossey-Bass, 2005), pp. 1-2

For me..

2009-11-20T12:39:00.000-08:00

Hope Now by Addison Road

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours

I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life

(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
His love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm

(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
His love sets me free

I am not my own
I've been carried by you all my life

(CHORUS 2)
You define my hearts desires
I will sing Your praises higher
Cause Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free

I know this song has been out for quite sometime, but I log on here often and don't write anything...so I thought I'd give myself a good reminder.

Also, I added a playlist. time well spent. :)

Keep the change

2009-09-17T09:11:00.001-07:00

Ways I know I'm not the same Mary:

-I can eat double-stuffed oreos and not feel too guilty.
Why is this significant? Well, I used to be VERY degrading about myself and appearance. But, due to changes in circumstances and my heart, it's ok that I don't look like I'm 22. I haven't been 22 in almost 7 years. TV shows have changed, my high school has changed, singers famous then aren't any more. It's ok that my body has changed. I want to be healthy...and obsessing about my weight or appearance is just as unhealthy as eating 2 Big Macs. (which I can't do without exploding, but wouldn't it be great?!?)

-I can have terrible youth ministry nights 2 WEEKS IN A ROW and still love junior highers
Again, I think this is due to heart change. I don't care as much about what others think of me...therefore, if a junior higher talks the whole time during a lesson instead of listening...I don't immediately think I'm boring or a bad teacher. I think #1: they are junior highers. enough said. #2 They have an enemy who doesn't want them to hear truth who is at work. #3: Even if I wasn't in my prime that night, there's always next week, right? Also, my love for students has less to do with my love for them and more about my love for God

-I'm going to put a "Reagan County Owls" sticker on our car
Seemingly insignificant, I know. But have you ever seen any sort of school supportive sticker on either of our cars? We lived in Arlington 3 years, and granted there were a billion different schools to support, but we never did for any of them. (most of our kids went to the same 1 school, minus Jenni, Kristin and Trey) So, I think this is a sign of putting down my roots. It's hard for those tender shoots to break through hard ground...it's going to take time...but it's time to start.

And so...I'm glad. I'm glad I can see ways I grow and change, even if it's little.

To end this random post, i want to share something hilarious..I mean, offensive, with you: Answer Me Jesus

At the heart of the matter...

2009-09-04T11:53:00.000-07:00

Maybe you've seen this before or heard about it, but a friend of mine recently brought this up again and I wanted to share it with you. As we fight for truth, for setting this world to right...we have to confront people with things they don't want to hear, things that they may not agree with; but that doesn't make it any less true. Pornongraphy, lust or any kind of sexual fantasy is dangerous. Here is an excert from an interview that Ted Bundy (raped and killed 28 women) gave to James Dobson the night before he was executed. The entire article can be found here: Interview

JCD: For the record, you are guilty of killing many women and girls.

Ted: Yes, that’s true.

JCD: How did it happen? Take me back. What are the antecedents of the behavior that we’ve seen? You were raised in what you consider to be a healthy home. You were not physically, sexually or emotionally abused.

Ted: No. And that’s part of the tragedy of this whole situation. I grew up in a wonderful home with two dedicated and loving parents, as one of 5 brothers and sisters. We, as children, were the focus of my parent’s lives. We regularly attended church. My parents did not drink or smoke or gamble. There was no physical abuse or fighting in the home. I’m not saying it was “Leave it to Beaver”, but it was a fine, solid Christian home. I hope no one will try to take the easy way out of this and accuse my family of contributing to this. I know, and I’m trying to tell you as honestly as I know how, what happened.

As a young boy of 12 or 13, I encountered, outside the home, in the local grocery and drug stores, softcore pornography. Young boys explore the sideways and byways of their neighborhoods, and in our neighborhood, people would dump the garbage. From time to time, we would come across books of a harder nature - more graphic. This also included detective magazines, etc., and I want to emphasize this. The most damaging kind of pornography - and I’m talking from hard, real, personal experience - is that that involves violence and sexual violence. The wedding of those two forces - as I know only too well - brings about behavior that is too terrible to describe.

JCD: Walk me through that. What was going on in your mind at that time?

Ted: Before we go any further, it is important to me that people believe what I’m saying. I’m not blaming pornography. I’m not saying it caused me to go out and do certain things. I take full responsibility for all the things that I’ve done. That’s not the question here. The issue is how this kind of literature contributed and helped mold and shape the kinds of violent behavior.

JCD: It fueled your fantasies.

Ted: In the beginning, it fuels this kind of thought process. Then, at a certain time, it is instrumental in crystallizing it, making it into something that is almost a separate entity inside.

JCD: You had gone about as far as you could go in your own fantasy life, with printed material, photos, videos, etc., and then there was the urge to take that step over to a physical event. Ted: Once you become addicted to it, and I look at this as a kind of addiction, you look for more potent, more explicit, more graphic kinds of material. Like an addiction, you keep craving something which is harder and gives you a greater sense of excitement, until you reach the point where the pornography only goes so far - that jumping off point where you begin to think maybe actually doing it will give you that which is just beyond reading about it and looking at it.

JCD: How long did you stay at that point before you actually assaulted someone?

Ted: A couple of years. I was dealing with very strong inhibitions against criminal and violent behavior. That had been conditioned and bred into me from my neighborhood, environment, church, and schools.

I knew it was wrong to think about it, and certainly, to do it was wrong. I was on the edge, and the last vestiges of restraint were being tested constantly, and assailed through the kind of fantasy life that was fueled, largely, by pornography.

As Ted Bundy said, pornography does not make anyone DO anything, but the only way to combat the damage that sexual impurity may help bring is to FIGHT for sexual purity. To obey the scripture that says that there should be not even a HINT of sexual immorality in our lives. Fighting and having standards may sound prudish or even be inconvenient, but those who are doing it know just how worth it it is and how much better their relationship with their spouse and family is too.

Nothing ever changes...

2009-08-08T21:53:00.000-07:00

by itself.

So...there has been so much going on! Hmmm...Mission Big Lake was several weeks ago and you can read/see pictures from it here: FBC Mission Big Lake 09

The blisters from scraping, painting and mowing and weed-eating many, many lawns that week are just NOW going away. Not exaggerating. :) some of the work we did seemed to take so long (clean the yard, mow the yard, weed-eat/trim the yard, scrape the paint, prime the paint, paint the house, paint the trim, do touch up...whew!) In the end, however, these houses looked so amazing different after such a *short* amount of time! (2 days tops mostly-we accomplished 22-25 projects this week) But it was soo good, and I was able to talk and get to know so many people as we worked side by side. Not only was God's love shown tangibly to our community, but also to each other as we ate EVERY meal together, took water breaks and wiped paint/grime off each other's faces. You get the idea.

The very next Monday was camp. Ah...camp. We took 15 kids; all Junior Highers (two of them are going to be Freshman this fall...but I think they still count as Junior Highers.) The first day our girls were complaining about how they thought the girls we shared the cabin with were "snobs and hated us." And we encouraged them to keep trying (the other church's girls were almost all High Schoolers) to build relationships...nothing happens or changes in such a short amount of time!! So of course, by Friday, the girls were swapping email addresses and talking about keeping in touch. lol Teenagers make me laugh. And sigh. I've said it before, and I'll probably say it the rest of my life: I hate apathy. So much so that I'm going to skip all other camp stories and our vacation (which was WONDERFUL!!!) to spew about apathy.

Teenagers are amazing creatures. Honestly, they are! They are at a perfect time in life...primed and eager to take risks. All teenagers take risks in some way...bending parents rules on curfew, how fast they drive, etc. God knows that teenagers are amazing at taking risks. That's why most of the modern revivals that have happened were led by young people. (check history..it's true) They believe they are the exception to rules, that they don't apply to THEM. They either don't think about consequences or they decide that the consequences don't matter. And a teenager that takes risks for God...man, they are dangerous. Dangerous FOR God and dangerous To the enemy. Satan hates risk takers living for God. They can get in the way and blow through any obstacle he has set up.

Don't give Satan too much credit, but he is rather smart..and deceiving. To stop these dangerous teenagers, he sets up snares. Drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. (heard this spill before, I know.) But the thing is, even Satan knows it's only distracting for a time...eventually you get bored with sin (whatever it is) so you either drop the habit or you have to find something *harder.* (More thrilling...more alcohol, heavier drugs, different types of sexual impurity, etc.) So he either loses you or gets you hooked even more. It's a gamble to him.

However, there is another option that Satan dangles. One more sinister and damaging than alcohol, drugs and sex combined. Enter apathy.

"Good kids" don't drink alcohol or do drugs or have sex.
They just don't care.

Sure, by all appearances they're "following God" and "living a life of purity" as they secretly cross lines of purity (though *technically* not having sex) and have as much desire for God to rule in their lives as the atheist kid in their biology class. Satan doesn't have to tempt them to blatantly "sin" as long as they're not a threat.
Why wake a sleeping dragon??

So apathy reigns. And it's everywhere. Not just in our teenagers in Big Lake. It happened Arlington too. Probably still is. It's everywhere. And it's not just teenagers. Adults, who are already afraid of taking risks, risk less and less for God every day. (How many *mature* adults jump off of roofs onto trampolines these days?) Adults know that landing on your hands means that you risk breaking your wrists. We know that if we jump on trampolines, our knees will be killing us tomorrow. We can't just quit our jobs to go be Missionaries in London, because we have others depending on us and our income. There are serious consequences for living a life of abandonment for God. And we've weighed the consequences...and we usually find them too demanding.

But teenagers are emotionally and psychologically primed at that point in their life to take risks for God. To set out on the amazing adventures He has planned for them. Where does apathy come from? How does it enter the mind of a risk-taker to "not care?" I'd like to hear your thoughts on this (even if you disagree with me!) please.

hodge-podge post

2009-07-02T19:18:00.000-07:00

Much better background
Much better weather
Much better attitude

Me likey. ;)

7 years this past Monday, I said "forever" to Daniel. Monday night Daniel and I were hopping out of our car to look at the tarantulas "migrating" across the road we were scenic driving on. Yes, tarantulas. They belong in zoos. Not a few miles from my house. I'm convinced they don't like humans and therefore will not enter the city limits of Big Lake. Others have tried to blow that theory..but I'm still a believer. For now. Oh, we also saw millipedes. As in plural. Plural millipedes and plural tarantulas.

I told Daniel that's why we could never be missionaries. We find way too much entertainment in simple local things. We'd play tourist long before we could be missionaries. jk

Tara, I really needed and enjoyed our conversation the other day!! There were no visible black marker remnants anywhere...lol. So apparently, Chaz is safe for 1/2 hour with a black marker and no supervision. ;)

Thanks to all who've lifted us up lately! Keep on! We have "Mission Big Lake" in a week, then immediately is Youth Camp. The youth are serving at the Midland Soup Kitchen the Tuesday after that...and if I can stand not seeing my kids for another day or two, Daniel and I might take a two day "vacation" to New Mexico. We'll see. This will be a LONG time to go without my kiddos. (who drive me crazy, but I wouldn't have it any other way.)

We are praying about a goal of personally putting an easy-to-read-and-understand Bible in each of our youth's hands this fall. And possibly one for each family of the youth who don't have one. Not just to pass them out on a Wednesday Night, but to go to their house and hand them a nice Bible they can understand and pray for them afterward. And to also do lesson series about the Bible..it's history, use, significance. I think God's Word is powerful. And that it's severely under-estimated by many. We want to use that to God's advantage.

So, a little of this and that.
Hope all is well for you and yours.

BRIGHT!!!

2009-06-04T20:04:00.001-07:00

So...I changed my background...lol

I LOVE summer! Honestly, I love every season. I start getting sick of a season usually right before it's about to change. Every season has it's pro's and con's...and I do believe Texas has seasons...they're just not as pronounced as other areas..lol

I want to go to the beach. I want to go on a vacation. Even if it's short.
But back to summer; I will always equate summer with the beach. I've been to both coasts of Florida, Galveston (eh..), Corpus Christi, and Port Aransas (which is basically Corpus) and I would love to go back to any beach soon! To soak up the sun..feel the warmth relaxing my muscles...listen to seagulls and kids laughing and splashing. Sleeping or reading a good book...I love the beach!!! ah...well...no beach in Big Lake. :) I pray that your summer is relaxing but also a time of great effective work for Christ!

Lucy and I

2009-06-01T08:57:00.000-07:00

Public repentance. Man, I'm such a whiner sometimes. I'm sorry for my sucky attitude lately. Thanks for letting me vent, and for helping me move on. I know that God cares greatly about our feelings and wants, but after we're honest with Him about all of that, as a Christian we need to take that next step and start to conform ourselves to His will.

What would God be able to do with a depressed whiny girl who can't see past her own sadness? Not much...and not until she moved on. One who can't see the blessings she HAS been given? For almost two years I wanted (whined sometimes) about wanting a ministry job, about wanting our own house...and we have it! (it took longer than we thought, but we definitely learned patience and made friends that we desperately needed- patience and these friends!)

I seem to be dis-satisfied with life and God's performance in it sometimes. I have so much to learn; even though I feel like I've learned so much!!! There's always more...everytime I grow...everytime I learn...there's more to learn..more room to grow! And I admit, it's frustrating sometimes. But it's this way for all Children.

I'm a huge CoNarnia fan, and although CS Lewis is not God, there is a lot of truth in his books. The following is from Prince Caspian as Lucy finally sees Aslan again:

"Aslan, Aslan. Dear Aslan," sobbed Lucy. "At last!"
..."Welcome, child," he said.
"Aslan," said Lucy, "you're bigger!"
"That is because you are older, little one," answered he.
"Not because you are?"
"I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger."
(Aslan asks Lucy to follow him, even though her siblings can't see him and won't believe her.)

"Oh dear, oh dear," said Lucy, "And I was so pleased at finding you again. And I thought you'd let me stay. And I thought you'd come roaring in and frighten all the enemies away- like last time. And now everything is going to be horrid."
"It is hard for you, little one," said Aslan. "But things never happen the same way twice. It has been hard for us all in Narnia before now."
Lucy buried her head in his mane to hide from his face. But there must have been magic in his mane. She could feel lion-strength going into her. Quite suddenly, she sat up.
"I'm sorry Aslan," she said. "I'm ready now."
"Now you are a lioness," said Aslan. "And now all Narnia will be renewed. But come. We have no time to lose."

And last night's conversation with God could have happened just like that.

Not on the Map

2009-05-29T19:08:00.000-07:00

It is still weird to me that we can eat at Chili's and look out the window and see *mountains.* (not like in Colorado, but there is definite elevation...lol) We drive to Wal-mart and pass mountains and buttes that make my ears pop. We have to drive at least an hour to get to most things around here. Wal-mart, Target, Bookstores, STARBUCKS!!! Most of the time when I'm looking up things, stores, etc...Big Lake, Texas is never on the map. Most of the time I have to click that neat little zoom feature to get closer...then closer...and *there* we are! It's so wierd to go from Arlington, which is smack in DFW hub to Big Lake which is zoom x 10 worthy. It's not on most maps.

That's how I've felt about life lately. I don't seem to make it on most maps. And sometimes, I wonder if I (or Big Lake) even make it on God's map. Am I noticed? Remembered? Thought of? Is Big Lake forgotten, and me right along with it?

The old quote goes, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation" Well, what if I don't WANT to be quiet about my desperation?!???? What if I want to be honest about my moods and volitileness? What if I make people awkward when I vent about how lonely I feel??? Is that really such a bad thing? When will I stop feeling like I'm on the outside here?

This won't last forever, I know. Eventually I'll make real friends here...God will do amazing things here too. You see, it took at least 1 year of living in Arlington to make a REAL friend my age (Jenni, you were a great *friend* but still a youth...Now you are a BEST friend!!). And two years to make 2 best friends that were real friendships. I was so lonely and depressed then, handling so much on my *own.* (with God when I'd let Him) But no one knew. I'm not a good liar, but I'm a good faker. (does that make sense?) Who was there to know me well enough to realize how much I was hurting? I had to fight not to feel like an outsider then too. In a town of 300,000 I felt very forgotten then too. Now looking back, I miss Arlington people and friends that i made there! But those first two years were very lonely and hard.

The difference between then and now is: I've had a taste of real friendship. I've sampled what community, the way God designed it; is like. And I want more. And I need it. And I want it now. Am I really going to have to wait two years??? I hope not. I hope to become significant to someone around here. Hopefully I'll make it on the map before 2 years. In the meantime, pray for me??

What I Really Mean to Say

2009-05-25T14:43:00.000-07:00

I'm exhausted. It's a tradition here in Big Lake that every Memorial Weekend, the youth groups in town (Baptist, Methodist, Assembly, etc) have this big "shindig" called Final Fling. Incoming 6th graders - graduation seniors (about 90 kids) load up in vans, buses and cars to go to Midland (a little over an hour away) to go skating, putt-putt, go-carts, laser tag and bowling for 6 hours. We got back at 3 am this morning and then OUR youth group finished the morning out lock-in style playing games in our church till 7am. Daniel and I got 4 hours of sleep and then went to pick up our kiddos from the people they stayed with overnight. It was hard to leave my kids with other people. People I've only known for 3 months, and barely really know. I tried to have a good attitude about this.

At about 3:30 this morning some of our kids really started having a bad attitude. They were complaining about how loud it was (though it was loud) and how boring the game was, etc. It was really hard for me not to lash out. "Do you THINK I want to be playing games with a bunch of smelly, delirious junior high boys at 3:30 in the morning instead of SLEEPING?!" It's really hard not to take criticism personally...after all, these kids begged for a lock-in which we scrambled to put together for them (and for the chance to build better relationships with them). What stunk more, was that these kids attitudes were beginning to effect other kids' attitudes as well. All of a sudden I had 6 kids asking if they could call their parents to come pick them up because they were bored.

What they were really trying to say (as I figured out much later with a little rest and help from a friend) was that they were kids and that they were tired. Teenagers are such awkward and beautiful creatures. Not quite child, not quite adult. They can look like adults, and even sometimes act like adults....but they are still kids. Kids who need sleep after being up for hours, no matter how fun staying up 24 hours sounded to them when they were well-rested on Wednesday.

Two of the kids, the first two with bad attitudes, did go home. And it had an amazing effect on the rest of the group. After they left, everyone decided to give the games (and us!) a chance, and had a lot of fun for the next 3ish hours. Yes, these two kids could have "sucked it up" and gotten a better attitude (especially since one of them is considered a "leader" by the church.) But what they needed was sleep. They were "cool" kids, so they couldn't exactly say to me, "I'm very tired, and my body can't take anymore. I'm sure you have a lot of fun stuff planned, but I really need to go home and get some sleep." Instead they complained about how boring it was and how they'd rather be at home sleeping.

Lately, I've had a poopie attitude. One day, I'm high on God and think anything is possible...dreaming about a healthy youth ministry, writing and publishing lessons, looking forward to seeing our family grow up and settle down here. And the next day, or at 4 am, I'm wondering what other jobs pay better than youth ministry and might seem more rewarding. One day I'm imagining our youth ministry 10 years from now, and in the next minute, I'm writing our resignation letter in my head. One day, I'm relishing in the coversations and growing relationships I have here, and the next, I'm wishing we'd never left Marshall. I'm thinking I'll never have deep friendships here, our kids will always feel left out and different (bc we're in the ministry and we didn't grow up here in Big Lake which is apparently a big deal to fitting in.) and how haviing a healthy youth ministry here is going to take soooooooooo long.

What I really meant to say was: I'm so tired. I'm so lonely. It's so hard sometimes. Somedays I just don't think I can take it another day. I'm so different from everyone here. Everyone here knows me, but is content to not really know me. I'm serious, we go for a walk and a couple walking their dog asks us how the youth ministry is doing...we drop our kids off at the house they're staying at and the person across the street yells that they'll pray for us as we travel to Midland tongiht. I have no idea who these people are. They don't go to our church. But our town is VERY small...they know who we are...our names even..where we live...but they don't know us. It's so hard to build real friendships. It's awkward...it takes time and work and effort and investment...and I'm so tired of leaving friends behind...I don't want new friends...I want all my old ones HERE!

As I mentioned, I have had a poopie attitude. What I really mean to say is: God, I need You. I feel defeated, and I'm not even sure what fields I'm battling on. There needs to be less of me, and more of you...because all of me; stinks.

And so I read in Isaiah 40:

²⁸ Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Amen

Two years!

2009-05-19T08:34:00.000-07:00

two years ago...late into the night...I had the worst conversation of my entire life. I had just returned home from my great-grandmother's funeral...which was extra hard bc I'm pretty sure she wasn't a Christian...and Daniel confessed that he'd looked at pornography while I'd been gone. this was the millionth time I'd heard those words. And "sorry" just wasn't enough anymore.

In the early morning, before the sun even came up...Daniel, baby Chaz and I went to I-hop...where Chaz obliviously ate pancakes as we decided that he and I would go to Ennis and live with my parents for awhile while Daniel took time to decide if he was really going to get this sin out of his life or not.

Two years later...

we are going on a date tonight to celebrate us! What once seemed impossible to him, is not only possible...but a way of life now. A life of purity. A life of trust. A life of faithfulness. A life able to be used more effectively.

Daniel has VERY "strict" boundaries in place. We don't watch certain tv shows that most people view as harmless. We definitely don't see movies that most people allow into their memories. Daniel avoids certain places in department stores. His eyes bounce from magazines, Target summer commercials, and avoids any situations where girls may be dressed inappropriately; such as certain times of sporting events. Daniel seems to take extremes. Maybe you're thinking:"My husband can go to a football game and have the cheerleaders not bother his purity at all." Really??? their bouncing breasts and bare stomachs...those images just float right out of their head with no effect??? Is your husband MALE?!?!???

so what if it takes extremes for Daniel's purity...I think we have an extreme marriage because of it.
Call me snobby or judgemental, I don't care...I DO think we have a better marriage than most people out there. I am so grateful for the changes, trust, and honesty we have in our relationship. It's hard. It was hard for Daniel..it took a lot of work and change. It's hard now...we're different than most couples.

And I love it. And I love Daniel. Here's to two years!!!!

Real life HAS to be messy

2009-05-09T08:30:00.000-07:00

Over the last couple of years, Daniel and I have been able to question a lot of things about Christianity due to the great friends that we have come to know who believed things a little different than us (or were questioning things at the time too.) We've questioned and broken down our thoughts and beliefs on things from the trinity to if we believe you can lose your salvation. We KNOW that Christianity is more than going to church...and we know that it is about becoming more like Christ. But being or trying to be like Christ is so stinking hard! We've been fighting to rid our lives of the sin that God has revealed to us in our lives...we've renounced generational sin that has been passed down through our families..so that those sins stop with us and that those "curses" and consequences will not be passed down to our children. We've learned more and more about spiritual warfare. We've learned about honoring God with our finances.

I think you would agree that as Christians, we spend most of our Bible reading time in the New Testament or in certain Old Testament "favorites". (Daniel, the Flood, the Exit, etc.) But as we read more and more of the Old Testament (which Jesus came to fulfill not do away with!) we've learned so much about what God really asks of us.

I've always thought (and was taught) that Sodom was destroyed because, yes, there was no one found righteous; but that their sin was homosexuality. (They wanted to rape the male angels, remember? Genesis 19: 1-5) This context is always used in sermons about homosexuality. But Daniel pointed this interesting verse out to me the other day. Here, Ezekiel is told to confront Jerusalem who has been unfaithful to God (again) And this is what Ezekiel says: (16:49)

Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy. ⁵⁰ They were haughty and did detestable things before me. Therefore I did away with them as you have seen.

Now, the "prideful" part of me will excuse myself from arrogance, I don't necessarily see myself as arrogant. (PAH!) But anyone else out there (besides me) overfed? Are you unconcerned about the things that concern God? I care about the poor and needy, but what have I DONE to help the poor and needy?

What about Isaiah 58?

^6-9"This is the kind of fast day I'm after:
to break the chains of injustice,
get rid of exploitation in the workplace,
free the oppressed,
cancel debts.
What I'm interested in seeing you do is:
sharing your food with the hungry,
inviting the homeless poor into your homes,
putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad,
being available to your own families.
Do this and the lights will turn on,
and your lives will turn around at once.
Your righteousness will pave your way.
The God of glory will secure your passage.
Then when you pray, God will answer.
You'll call out for help and I'll say, 'Here I am.'

^9-12"If you get rid of unfair practices,
quit blaming victims,
quit gossiping about other people's sins,
If you are generous with the hungry
and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out,
Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness,
your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.
I will always show you where to go.
I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places—
firm muscles, strong bones.
You'll be like a well-watered garden,
a gurgling spring that never runs dry.
You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,
rebuild the foundations from out of your past.
You'll be known as those who can fix anything,
restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate,
make the community livable again.

When was the last time a homeless person entered your house?!? I have a hard enough time meeting their eyes when I see them, let alone give them money...and invite them into my house?!? I have children, what about safety issues??? I'm not sure that God really meant to invite them into your house...but our homes are intimate places, right? They are our safe havens in the world...or they're supposed to be anyway. So, maybe God's saying we're supposed to do more than just give them money, or more than give money/goods to organizations. Our hearts, our feelings of concern are to go beyond the extra change we've given and then our thoughts move on. We are to be part of the solution. We are to give of ourselves. It's easy to give money or goods. It's impersonal...that's why it's easy. Being personal is uncomfortable.

THAT is what following Christ, being more Christ like is all about. Yes, we can help by donating clothes and canned goods...but is that going to fix the problem??? We are to be about the Father's business. We are supposed to be making God's will being done on earth. And what is His will? (Do you really need to ask???) What is His will for those who are homeless?? What is His will for those who are hungry? Not just to feed them for today...but to do something to ensure that NO ONE will ever go hungry. Is this hard? Yes. Can we solve world hunger before Christ comes again? Probably not. BUT....BUT....we're sure supposed to be trying.

Our hands may need to get a little dirtier washing other people's feet. Our feet may not get as many pedicures because that money is paying off someone else's house debt. We may have to include those excluded and discarded people into our life plans. It's so messy. It's so uncomfortable. It's so necessary. It's so like Jesus.

You think your church is empty now? What if the evidence of fruit (of being a Christian) was required before church admittance? Man, would I be let in? Would you? Praise God, our salvation is not dependent upon our performance...but we should have evidence that we've been saved. God does ask things of His children...He has from the beginning. He admonishes those He loves and disciplines those that are His.

Chaz watches a lot of Veggie Tales. His favorite is "Gideon the Tuba Warrior" (which is great btw!) And one of my favorite lines from the movie is a conversation between Gideon and the angel sent to him.

Gideon: "Is this some kind of a pep-talk? I expected a little more 'well done, my good and faithful servant."

Angel: "If you want to hear The Lord say, 'Well done' then you'll have to do what He says!"

"The LORD God has told us

what is right

and what he demands:

"See that justice is done,

let mercy be your first concern,

and humbly obey your God."

Micah 6:8

Do I live like I'm dead?

2009-04-29T07:48:00.000-07:00

Death seems to haunt me for the last 3 years. I've had dear friends and a sister-in-law lose their sweet babies, I've lost relatives and friends who's eternity I'm unsure of...I've had to mourn the death of many dreams and wishes over the last 3 years too...not as "big" as losing a person, but letting go of a dream feels like part of yourself has died. Grieving seems to be a never-ending process, and most of the world moves on as if grief did not exist in the first place.

I'm supposed to be dead. I tried to commit suicide twice in my teenage years, and obviously was not successful either time. (Praise God!) These were desperate acts by a desperate and depressed girl. The second time I was already "saved by grace" and yet felt like I lived in hell...thus the attempt to die. And I was SO mad at God..for not letting me die. So, in my oh so rational state of mind, I made a deal with God (that many of you may have made under other circumstances): Since He wouldn't let me die, He had to do something with my life. I didn't want to live anymore, and so my life was His from now on.

So, I'm supposed to be dead, and God's supposed to be living through me. If you are a follower of Christ, this is supposed to be a deal you made with God too. Remember Galatians 2:20?

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

That means that I no longer have any rights to my life. Where I live, what I do, who I love and accept...all those rights and more belong to Christ....and not to me.

But when you look at my life, does my life really reflect that I'm dead? There are areas of my life in which "my will be done" or all emotional stability is out the door! I have such a conditional relationship with God sometimes, but it used to be much worse..I used to say, "I trust you God" and in the very quiet back of my mind I'd finish that with "...but if You ever ____________ then I'd ____________"

for example..."...if You let my children die, then I'd just die too!"

And two years ago, God called me out on this. I separated from Daniel for a time when he admitted (AGAIN) that he still struggled with porn and lust. God showed me through loving confrontation that I needed healthy boundaries, so I left Daniel for awhile, for him to decide whether or not he'd really beat this sin once and for all. When I left, I knew that there was the possibility that Daniel may choose to just keep on living the way he had been. That I would not have the marriage I'd dreamed of and thought God had given and meant for me.

I felt betrayed by Daniel and my God. "I DID MY PART!" I cried. "I trusted You, and look what it got me, a husband who chooses lust over his wife and son!" "I still trust You, but if Daniel leaves me, then I WILL JUST DIE!"

And quietly, God said, "Really, you'll die?"

After awhile I had to have a comeback for this God who wouldn't let me wail and die. "Ok," I said,"maybe I won't die...but I'll just cry and cry and lay on the floor for weeks on end."

And God said, "Ok...And then what?"

"Well, I'll cry some more ...and be pathetic and my parents will have to help take care of Chaz while I barely change out of my pajamas."

"Ok, and then what?"

"What do You mean, 'then what'?!? Then I'll...well, I'll....I'll have to...I'll...."

"Yes?"

"Then... I guess ...one day, I'll get up off the floor, ...and I'll find a ministry job...because I do still love ministry...and You, I guess. And I'll raise Chaz -to be a person of integrity...and I'll pray for Daniel to be set free...and I...I guess life will go on."

And God said, "You're already dead, remember? That's the only way you're going to get through this ordeal intact. There's nothing more this world can do to you. Let Me live through you. You love Me, and I promised I'd work all things for your good."

Now, praise God, my condition didn't happen...but I know people who's worst fears have come true...we've recently talked about this in our Beth Moore Bible study, Esther...and I think they would agree that only through the grace of God and all that He gives when you die and let Him live in you...all those things He gives you; peace, joy, strength, wisdom, etc. It's all those things that help us live through this life...and to really live...not just exist.

Only by dying can we truly live.

I don't regret...

2009-04-23T09:27:00.000-07:00

They're Telling Me They're Concerned For The Way I Am Living
That I'll Miss It All, Why Would I Think That God Is That Trusting?
I Can't Explain All The Words He Has Spoken To My Heart
Why'd I Want Him More

I Don't Regret Choosing You
And I'm Not Ashamed
That It's You Who Holds My Heart

Why Do We Think If We Trust God Too Much Will Fail Us?
Nothing Has Come When I Chose It That's In Me I'd Trust
Separate Me, You Have Called Out To Follow You Blindly
I Won't Fear You're Leading Me

I Don't Regret Choosing You
And I'm Not Ashamed
That It's You Who Holds My Heart

You Have Shown My Ever Wondering Heart What Love Is
What On Earth Is More Important Than To Have All Of You?

I Don't Regret Choosing You
And I'm Not Ashamed
That It's You Who Holds My Heart

Happy (late) April Fool's Day!

2009-04-02T09:06:00.000-07:00

For the waywardness of the simple will kill them,
and the complacency of fools will destroy them (1:32)

The wise in heart accept commands, but a chattering fool comes to ruin. (10:8)

A fool finds pleasure in evil conduct, but a man of understanding delights in wisdom. (10:23)

The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice. (12:15)

A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult. (12:16)

He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm. (13:20)

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. (14:1)

Fools mock at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright. (14:9)

A fool spurns his father's discipline, but whoever heeds correction shows prudence. (15:5)

Of what use is money in the hand of a fool, since he has no desire to get wisdom? (17:16)

A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions. (18:2)

Do not speak to a fool, for he will scorn the wisdom of your words. (23:9)

As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly. (26:11)

He who trusts in himself is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom is kept safe. (28:26)

A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. (29:11)

From the book of Proverbs

Instead of a show!

2009-03-29T17:20:00.000-07:00

My favorite convicting song of late:

I hate all your show and pretense
the hypocrisy of your praise
the hypocrisy of your festivals
I hate all your show

Away with your noisy worship
Away with your noisy hymns
I stop up my ears when your
singing 'em
I hate all your show

Instead let there be a flood
of justice
An endless procession of righteous
living, living
Instead let there be a flood
of justice
Instead of a show

your eyes are closed when you're praying
you sing right along with the band
you shine up your shoes for services
but there's blood on your hands

you turned your back on the homeless
and the ones that don't fit in your plans
quit playing religion games
there's blood on your hands

Ah! let's argue this out
if your sins are blood red
let's argue this out
you'll be white as the clouds
let's argue this out
quit fooling around

give love to the ones who can't love at all
give hope to the ones who got no hope at all
stand up for the ones who can't stand up at all
instead of a show
I hate all your show

by Jon Foreman based on Isaiah 58

Reading Isaiah 58 has left me feeling very convicted. This is what we want to base our youth ministry on. This is what we want to base our lives on. I want to do "right things" but perhaps I've been doing them the wrong way. I want to be a part of justice; I want to break the chains of those oppressed by sins that I've been freed from. Humility, courage, hard work and faith will hold hands in this one.

The beginning isn't like the end...

2009-03-26T07:44:00.000-07:00

I know weather in Texas is crazy, but I think west Texas weather is ridiculous!! In the morning, I wear sweat shirts because it gets down to like 40 degrees and then that afternoon we're lathering on suntan lotion at the track meet because it's 80 degrees with no clouds or trees!!! Everyone says you get used to it...we'll see...lol Our laundry loads have increased in size.

Hannah is 1 year old now!! Soooooo crazy that time has flown by, and that so many things have happened! She is such a little cutie though...so big. Walking around and learning so much. Like Chaz, she really likes us to read books; she'll walk around the living room, pick up a book, walk to the couch (where one of us usually is) and then throws the book at us and says, "Read!" (well, her "r"s are "w"s, so it's "weed!"...but she's not a pothead, I don't think she associates drugs with books.) They say not to compare your children, and I never thought I would (I hated being compared to the other 5 of us!!) but it's so hard NOT to compare!! Chaz was talking much better and saying more words than Hannah at this age...but Hannah crawled and walked WAYYYYY earlier than Chaz!!! Personality wise, Chaz is soo outgoing and talkative, can be attentive to people's feelings/what's going on...also has become 100% boy despite the fact that he claimed Hannah's birthday dresses were "precious!" lol And that he loved the idea that her birthday was princess themed!!!
Hannah, is so shy and quiet around most people. She loves being held most of the time, but once she warms up to you...she won't let go...especially if you have good food or a kitty!!! I actually can tell she's thinking sometimes before she decides to do something. I'll see that "look" (the wheels in her head spinning) and I'll have to figure out what in the world she's about to do! And I love her laugh! She has grins, and giggles and "polite laughs" (I think it's hilarious that babies learn polite laughs like adults do) but when she REALLY laughs..oh man, it's like a Sally/Julia Roberts laugh...I LOVE her laugh! :)

It was so good to see everyone at her party! it stinks bc you never really get a chance to talk because there's so many people there and so much going on...but leaving this time; I cried again. I love it here, I really do; but when I'm not here...I really wish we were in Ennis or somewhere in East Texas again. I have been learning so much lately as I've been doing a Bible study about Esther. Esther was an orphaned, nobody Jew raised by her MALE cousin...that must have made an interesting past...I'd never thought about it before. In today's world, a girl like that might have all kinds of struggles emotionally, etc. And she was chosen by God to accomplish a mighty work, not DESPITE her past, but perhaps BECAUSE of her past!! And I'm coming to realize, that perhaps Daniel and I were given this youth ministry job here not DESPITE Daniel's past, but perhaps BECAUSE he overcame it. Sexual impurity is everywhere. I was walking Hannah to the park a week or so ago and there was a used condom (YUCK!) on the walk there. Now it could be two married people made love there, but if I were a betting woman, I'd put money on the higher odds which is that two people traded parts of themselves for deceiving pleasure in a way that made them embarrassed and probably not very intimate; they were left feeling used and more alone than when they arrived there I'm sure. What two people in a loving, safe relationship make love in a park using a condom and then have to throw it out the window???
One of the youth guys here lost his dad almost a year ago. His dad had a lust problem and an addiction to pornography. He helped out with VBS, he was a deacon, very involved in the church and community...been married for over 15 years, and struggled with lust for quite awhile I'm told until sin led to death just as the Bible says it does. Sin, any sin, becomes an addiction unless we yield it to Christ. And addictions make a person want more and more...lust is the same; it's not enough to lust at a woman and masturbate in the shower, it's not enough after awhile to look at pornography...after awhile...sexual addictions lead to more. This man began to sneak into another woman's house while she was gone, and eventually got caught. He was devastated, as was his family; after his bail was posted...he walked to the local park and hung himself. It has not even been a year for this family since this happened.

Is it a coincidence that sexual sin is rampant not only in the world, but here in Big Lake, and that Daniel (through Christ) has found victory and freedom from sexual impurity?!? Maybe it's for such a time as this; that we have been called here. It's going to take a lot of courage on our part to really speak out and find others who want that freedom too. (it's sad that not everyone in bondage wants to be free.) Pray for us. There's a lot of fear for me about this...but there could be so many powerful things God wants to do with us since we've come this far!! I want God's will to be done in my life and in this broken town, just like it's done in heaven. Maybe that can be your prayer too.

"Finding home" or "The Norton's are Moving Again" - Part 2

2009-03-08T20:06:00.000-07:00

Almost a year ago, I posted a note on Facebook that we were going to move to Ennis and begin our search for "home." I had no idea where this adventure would take us, or how varied my emotions would be over the next almost 11 months.

And apparently, home is Big Lake, Texas. I had never in my life heard of such said place, but it turns out I knew plenty of people who had! I have a cousin who lives here. Wierd, huh? Most of the coaches in Ennis used to live here in Big Lake.

We have only lived here two weeks and I love it. Oh, believe me, that first Sunday afternoon when my family left; I cried. I cried, Daniel cried...we stop for awhile and start again. We asked a lot: Are we doing the right thing??? Is 6 -9 hours away from our family and friends really the "best" that God has in mind for us?? And though I miss everyone SO much; and no one will ever be replaced...I love it. Can I say it again?? I love it here. Those of you who know me best, know that I'm a little guarded when it comes to starting new friendships. I have trust issues that I'm still working through from all kinds of hurt from all kinds of relationships. But these people here are hard to keep at bay. Their honesty, and sincere concern for my family have just eaten away at the grief of moving. People from church and neighbors around us are constantly stopping by (even two weeks later, mind you) to drop off food/snacks, help clean up, take our kids to the park; take us out to eat, and just to hang out. Some of our neighbors go to other churches or no church at all, and they still love our kids and want to help and get to know us. Maybe all small towns are like this...but I LOVE it!! Chaz has made so many friends, it's crazy! Now, Chaz doesn't know how to do anything BUT make friends with people he meets, but still! Hannah, my sweet, shy but loud little girl used to be so scared of anyone that wasn't me or Daniel...but now, we go out to eat and she's waving at the other people there...she "flirts" with one of our youth guys that hangs out with us often. I'm finding a good balance of working out for 30 min- 1 hour everyday; keeping the house mildly clean, doing ministry and spending time seperately and together as a family. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE that live at 804 Maryland, Big Lake, Tx. 76932???? Oh yeah, it's US!!!!!! The people who accept the best God has for them...the people who don't have it all together, or have it figured it out yet...but love the beautifulness of the chaos God creates when He moves.

There's so much more to say...so much love and longing for my friends and family who could never be replaced...so much to say about ministry here...so much to say about a God who doesn't behave the way I want and yet keeps His amazing promises..one of which is "a better, more satisfying life than you've ever dreamed of."

John 10:10 is not about a house, or kitchen appliances, or make-up, or (gasp!) Starbucks or the money to get such things...it's about 2 kids with 2 kids in Big Lake, Texas.

Here's my life

2009-02-20T05:29:00.000-08:00

Once again I said my goodbyes
To those who I love most
My heart feels that familiar pain
As I long for home
'Cause this road is hard
When I feel so far

God I'm crying out tonight
'Cause I've given You my life
But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind
So once more here's my life

On the day that You called my name
All that I knew changed
I found when I said yes that I'd never be the same
Though the call is hard
You are worth it all

God I'm crying out tonight
'Cause I've given You my life
But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind
So once more

Even when the tears are falling
When I find I fear the calling
You remind me
Words You've spoken over my life
Promises I've yet to see
You comfort me

God I'm crying out tonight
'Cause I've given You my life
But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind
So once more, here's my life

by Barlow Girl

God doesn't have to move

2009-02-02T09:16:00.000-08:00

So, we're going to start packing up our things again. There's not a whole lot to pack since much of it is in storage right now, but we have to go through toys, books, cds, movies, etc and separate any of our stuff that may have gotten thrown together! This is going to be a very costly move too, so we're trying to figure that out too, but I know that God has taken care of us and met all our needs so far, so why would He stop now?

I am so incredibly sad about moving so far away. Don't get me wrong, I am SO STINKIN excited to do youth ministry again! To have a home, a church family and a community to minister to and be ministered to. But, I'm still so sad. We told God we'd go anywhere, and we'd even considered Maine and Washington....whole different states thousands of miles away. But now I have to put action to my words. Big Lake is still in this state, but Texas is freakin big state! We'll be six hours away from our parents and friends, and even further away from some of our friends and siblings. Daniel's family will be EVEN farther away now. I want our children to know their families. I know there will be people who love our children like family (we already have several friends like this!!!) But I want them to know the amazing people who've been HUGE parts of our lives and made us who we are; individually and as a family. I know it's managable if all parties want that too, but it's just going to be harder than I'd planned.

In those moments when I just begin to cry in anticipating moving, I keep quoting to myself; "I will never leave you, nor forsake you" over and over. God who loved me and took care of me in Ennis, is going to love me and take care of me in Big Lake. And yesterday during the worship service, God gave me a thought that brought me even more comfort. We were singing about how our God is not a god of man-made hands, and that He's been on His throne even before time began. And it occured to me, (though it's not a new thought) that God doesn't have to move with me from Ennis to Big Lake. He's already been working there in Big Lake! I can go anywhere in the world, and my God is always with me because He's already at wherever I'm going! (I know this is an elementary thought, but I needed to remember that!)

ps-also exciting news: We've read and pray about how to prepare our children to fight for their purity (including sexually). And the other day, Chaz was watching Cubo, which is a children's tv network that actually has moral shows; and a commercial for something came on and it had some women in swimsuits in it. Well, Chaz yelled as he turned his head away, "Ugh, I don't want to look at that, turn the channel!!!" All of this because he'd heard his daddy tell him this the other day when that commercial had come on and Daniel looked away and turned the channel. I'm so proud of my boy!!!!!! Even at three, he can begin to fight and not allow "even a hint" into his life!

Quick update!

2009-01-29T15:49:00.000-08:00

So...we got a call from Big Lake..and we're going on Feb 15th in view of a call. They seem to positive we'll get the job as they're asking what color we want certain rooms painted...lol. This is SOOOO freakin exciting and scary/sad at the same time. We get to do ministry again in an amazing small town, but it's soooo far away from our family and friends. Ups and downs!!!

More info later, but just wanted to let you know!

(oh, we withdrew our app from FBC Commerce, since I don't know how ethical it is to be interviewing with another church when we're this serious with Big Lake. Such complex situations sometimes!!)

Up (coming) dates

2009-01-21T17:23:00.000-08:00

Here's what's going on in the next few weeks:

January 24/25th: Saturday we go to Big Lake, Tx. 6 hour drive with a baby who needs diaper changes and a 3 year old who needs potty breaks..and snacks...and will get bored. That afternoon we meet with the search committee again and then with the personel committee. Sunday morning we teach and meet the youth. This is our 2nd meeting with Big Lake, but we are not coming in view of a call yet...but I"m excited!

January 31st: Saturday morning we meet with First Baptist Church of Commerce, tx. We have been talking with them for awhile, but we are not the only ones they are interested in at this point. Later that day is my niece, Kaylee, FIRST BIRTHDAY!!!!!

February 6, 7, 8th: Friday we kick-off the D-now we're leading with Jared & Sally's group in Tatum, Tx. I actually wrote the material for this D-now and am excited/nervous to see how it all goes!

The weekend of February 14th: I don't know if I'd like to put "In view of a call at _______" or "taking a break and going on a date with my wonderful husband" lol I might need a free weekend by then!!!

Your prayers would be very much appreciated!!

Sleep makes everything better

2009-01-12T08:39:00.000-08:00

I don't understand.

I don't know how many times I've thought and said that (in many tones of voice) over the last 1 1/2 years. Sometimes it seems like nothing in our lives is coming together and God is silent and still. And then there are times of frantic movement and I'm left standing still in the middle as the world increases it's speed in amazing and scary ways.

We may have some choices to make in the very near future. There are pros and cons to every choice available right now. We pray for wisdom if we have to decide. I don't know what I fear most: that we'd have to make a decision or that the possibilities will turn us down and we'll be left with nothing again.

And I'm trying not to worry or fear in the middle of it all, but I don't know how to stop. There was a time when we first moved here that I got really sick (and was depressed too) and just could NOT get out of bed that morning. But I had our kids AND my niece to take care of, so I was trying to pull it together and get up. And Daniel walked in, handed me some medicine and said, "Don't worry about the kids. I'll take care of all of them. You go to sleep and let me worry about it all." And after I got over a little guilt, I did exactly what he suggested. I let him handle everything. I didn't worry about any of the kids or their needs or anything, and I slept because I trusted he'd take care of them.

Why can't I do that now? God's hands are big enough, strong enough, experienced enough, trustworthy enough to leave all my worries in. Why can't I just go to sleep and let Him worry about it all? I know God's just as concerned about my future and family as I am. I trust Him with my eternity, why is it so hard to trust Him with and in this unknown? I pray this all gets straightened out soon. If I could just sleep through it all, it'd be better right?

Just kidding.

I'm not going to be your prostitute

2009-01-08T08:21:00.000-08:00

I'm actually getting kind of nervous about this interview on Saturday. Why??? I KNOW I am called to do youth ministry. I KNOW I have been given gifts and talents specifically for this ministry. If they don't want us, we don't want them, right? lol I feel like interviews are a lot like prostitution. Like I have to go to these perfect strangers and try to sell myself to them. We have experience in youth ministry; we have a pretty impressive resume if I say so myself. We have communicated our heart as clearly as possible in limited vocabulary. We have a lot to recommend ourselves for almost any youth ministry position. And yet this is what Paul says about his impressive resume:

You know my pedigree: a legitimate birth, circumcised on the eighth day; an Israelite from the elite tribe of Benjamin; a strict and devout adherent to God's law; a fiery defender of the purity of my religion, even to the point of persecuting the church; a meticulous observer of everything set down in God's law Book.
The very credentials these people are waving around as something special, I'm tearing up and throwing out with the trash—along with everything else I used to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I've dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him.

What is the Christ-like way for a church to search for a minister if this is what Paul said? I'm not sure. I know Paul is talking here about making ourselves impressive for God and how that is just plain ridiculous. But if we're not supposed to make ourselves appear self-righteous for God, then shouldn't we also not make ourselves appear self-righteous for other Christians/churches? Should we brag about our weaknesses and mistakes so that Christ gets the glory? Or just pretend that we really do have it all together and can answer any tough question that's thrown at us? It seems like that is what most search committees want: ministers who are no longer in need of salvation. I pray eagerly for a youth ministry position!!!! In interviewing, we will present the amazing talents and work God has done through and in us; but I will not become a prostitute for a paycheck.

stinkin Holy Spirit

2009-01-07T09:17:00.000-08:00

First of all, just to let you know so you can be praying: We have an interview this Saturday at 1 pm with a church from Big Lake, Texas. They are 6 hours away from Ennis, so we're meeting them in Brownwood for the interview. But even this 3 hour trip could be interesting. We have some work needing to be done on our car, and have only been able to do some of it. I'm pretty sure it's not exactly it's "6 hour round trip" ready. So pray for our miracle car. lol And the interview. Our prayer for awhile has been that God will ONLY open the door He wants us to walk through, and to close every other door.

Also, in my quiet time I've been reading in Proverbs and also reading this devotional my friend, Ginger, gave me called "Grace for the moment" by max lucado. (it has a short devo for each day...I love it, especially when I'm pressed for time) Anyway, the title of yesterday's devotion was "At home with God." I have been wanting a home soooo badly for soooo long. I don't remember what it's like to use my own dishes, or to clean the kitchen "my way." Having a "home" is about so much more than having a house. Anyway, this is what the devotional said:

God wants to be your dwelling place. He has no interest in being a weekend getaway or a Sunday bungalow or a summer cottage...He wants to be your mailing address, your point of reference; He wants to be your home...Our Father wants to be the one in whom "we live and move and have our being" (Acts 17:28)

So, I still don't know what my "fields" and "outdoor work" are, but I KNOW that I now have peace about being "homeless" for however long this will last. :)

How to prepare?

2009-01-04T16:37:00.001-08:00

In my quiet time lately I've been finishing up reading in Proverbs. The following is in Proverb 24:27. I've been thinking (or "meditating") on this for awhile and still haven't figured out it's specific application to me at this time yet.

Finish your outdoor work
and get your fields ready;
after that, build your house

Now,I get the obvious understanding of being prepared FIRST and THEN worrying about a house. (Which is hard for me because I REALLY, REALLY want a place of our own right now.) But for me, I don't know anything about anything right now. I don't know when we'll get a job or what it will be or where it will be. So all of that is blank and blurry to me, so I just want to dream about a house. And I know it has to be in the reverse order; but what preparing can I really be doing right now?

What "outdoor work" and "fields" do I have to prepare right now? That's the real question I want to figure out. I feel like God is trying to show me something through this verse and haven't figured it out yet. I'd appreciate your prayers for me to figure this out, and if you have any understanding about this; please leave comments!!

The Year in Review

2008-12-31T15:00:00.000-08:00

So, back in the days of Xanga, Jenni and Lauryn Miller used to do these things. I used my super understanding of technology to find this and copy it here. Thanks, Jenni, Lauryn and xanga.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?

Go into labor naturally. I thought the contractions (in the beginning) were upset stomach from enchilada's. Until I noticed the pain coming every 10 minutes. Yeah....

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't make resolutions really. Although I plan on getting back to eating healthier and having more consistant bible study times.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, my sister, myself and Taylor.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes

5. What countries did you visit?

Hmmm...I don't think I even went out of state. Well, I guess Shreveport, La. But not outside of US.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

A consistent job that would allow us to get off of government aide.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Well, definitely March 19th because that's when Hannah was born.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Personally, there are many I think..lol. Restoring my marriage, giving birth to the last baby I can have, surviving on very little money and very little material things. Not killing the people I live with. Leaving my friends in Marshall.

9. What was your biggest failure?

having a bad attitude towards God when He didn't behave the way I wanted Him to.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Well, I was gestational diabetic...but that wasn't too bad.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Our queen size amazing bed!!!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Soooo many people. Daniel above all has gone through a very painful and hard "make over" in all ways. He's a fighter. So has Sarah and Jeff as they've added ministry to marriage, parenting, working and school. Taylor and Josh as they've had to trust God with their precious Nathan. Jared and Sally as they've fought for purity, marriage and ministry. Jenni and Tim as they've taken on marriage with courage, humility and godliness.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Mine and Daniel's at times. Most people that I know have at times disappointed me, but that's because I'm human. they're allowed to be human too.

14.Where did most of your money go?

what money? This past year was all about learning how to be "content in every situation." This year's situation was "po." lol

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Tim and Jenni's wedding!!!! A new beautiful daughter!! Getting to spend more time with my family, even though it's stressful at times. (to say the least.)

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

"Let Your Love be Strong" by Switchfoot or "The Remedy" by David Crowder Band

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Mmm...sadder. But you can either control your emotions, or let them control you.
ii. thinner or fatter? haha...technically thinner, because I was prego last year this time!
iii. richer or poorer? $ wise, poorer...but in general, my life is richer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Hugged Chaz tighter and more often. Excersized more self-control in areas.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Worrying and eating...lol..they go together. I'm really good at not blowing money, but I stuff my mouth too much.

20. Did you fall in love in 2008?

ha ha...yes, again with my husband and children and Saviour.

21. What was your favorite TV program?

"Reba" or "The Biggest Loser"

22.. What was the best book you read?

"The Total Money Make-over" by Dave Ramsey and "UnChristian" (VERYYYY good book)

23. What was your greatest musical discovery?

My friend, Michelle Grigsby. And re-discovering Switchfoot thanks to my sibs here.

24. What did you want and get?

a new car...we got a FREE car that was very used. But I'll take free over new!!

25.What did you want and NOT get?

a ministry job and our own house to live in (without another family there with us..lol)

26. What was your favorite film of this year?

hmm.... WALL-E ???

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 28, and Daniel and I went to eat lunch (bc it's cheaper!) at Olive Garden and then walked around Target lusting at material things...lol. Pretty tame.

28 What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Letting God be mysterious instead of labeling Him as misbehaving.

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

Way cute prego clothes, and then jeans and whatever...and a bridesmaids dress that my stomach still looked post-prego in...lol

30. What kept you sane?

HA! I gave up on sanity long ago...jk. My wonderful husband and friends. And my children and Saviour helped me keep things in perspective.

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I usually stay away from the media as much as possible, but being an election year, I followed Obama and McCain.

32. What political issue stirred you the most?

Our wonderful collapsing economy..global and national. And people blaming Bush. Like one person has that much power to destroy or fix a nation. I don't care if you gave him 12 years. We have a government system that's supposed to counter and balance for a reason.

33. Who did you miss?

My friends in Marshall and Arlington. :(

34.. Who was the best new person you met?

Sally Greer. She is simply amazing and your life would be so much better, joy filled and fuller if she was in it. Plus, she's so creative and can teach herself to do anything.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:

God gives and takes away, and yet everything He does is right and good. Somehow. I don't see how it all works out that way, because even now lots of things don't look "good' or "right."

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Let Your love be strong, and I don't care what goes down
Let Your love be strong enough to weather through the thunder cloud
Fury and thunder clap like stealing the fire from your eyes
All of my world's hanging on Your love

37. The best thing you discovered this year?

Wii fit or Mario Cart for the Wii. (thanks Tim and Jen!)

38. The best thing you lost?

Material wise...our i-pod.

39. What are you glad to leave behind from 2008?

grief

40. What are you looking forward to in 2009?

New town, new ministry, "new" home, getting our stuff out of storage. Having money to travel to see friends and family who live far away. Meeting and loving new people and holding friends and family tighter.

Got tagged!!

2008-12-11T14:53:00.000-08:00

Sarah and Nena tagged me! Rules are, you must list 5 addictions and pass it to 5 people!
Addiction-an abnormally strong craving

1. COFFEE!!!!! It's not just caffeine; I like chocolate and soft drinks, but they don't get me like C-O-F-F-E-E!
2. Finishing whatever book I"m reading. It drives me crazy to stop reading a good book just for something silly like sleep, or Chaz being hungry. sheesh. :)
3. Checking my email for job offers...or facebook...or blogs. (Like Sarah's "thangs")
4. blankets..I have to have one in every room I could sit in. (except the dining room)
5. The game "Stronghold Crusader" It's this ridiculous game my brother showed Daniel and I, and now we own it and play it in the sanctuary of our room to relax. Nothing like killing a mid-evil lord before bed time, I'm telling you!

I tag anyone who hasn't done this yet; it's really fun!

2008-12-09T11:17:00.000-08:00

This was a youth ministry email sent to me:

It was Friday morning, January 12th, in the middle of the morning rush at the DC Metro. As over a 1,000 people passed by, a young white man in jeans and baseball cap pulled a violin out of its case, threw a few dollars down as seed money, and begin to play.

A rich sound filled the Metro plaza, an elegant and pure melody that these walls had never heard before. An occasional passerby dropped a few coins in the case, but for the most part, the musician was ignored.

1097 people passed by that morning. The violin case managed to collect a mere $32 and change in donations.

Who was this unrecognized brilliant young musician?

“No one knew it, but the fiddler standing against a bare wall outside The Metro in an indoor arcade at the top of the escalators was one of the finest classical musicians in the world, playing some of the most elegant music ever written on one of the most valuable violins ever made.” (Pearls Before Breakfast, Washington Post, April 8, 2007)

The musician’s name was Josh Bell. Three days before this experiment that the Washington Post arranged at the Metro, Bell filled Boston’s Symphony Hall, where average seats went for $100. Two weeks later there would be standing room only at the Music Center at Strathmore in North Bethesda. But on this particular frigid January morning only a handful of people paused for even a moment to take in the beautiful sound that under normal circumstances filled Halls and packed auditoriums.

The violin that Bell cradled was a 3.5 million dollar instrument hand crafted in 1713 by Antonio Stradivari. It is said that no violin produces a sound as wonderful as Strads from the 1710s.

Sixty three people passed by before anyone even seemed to notice the musician at all. A middle aged man slowed his pace for a moment and glanced to the left. He kept walking, but it was something. Not a minute later a women tossed in a dollar without even stopping. It was six minutes before someone even stopped to listen.

Only seven people stopped at all to listen to the master musician, twenty seven people gave, and over 1,000 never stopped, never even turned to look.

The master musician had gone unrecognized and overwhelmingly ignored. (Click here for the original Washington Post Article and a short video clip of Bell in the Metro )

2,000 years ago the very creator of the universe showed up, and very few people even noticed.

You’d think that people would recognize our master creator by what they saw and heard. But overwhelmingly, people were too busy and too blinded to notice.

Of course, God didn’t choose to enter the world as a conquering king or triumphant hero. His arrival was humble and simple. He came as a baby, born in a dirty stable because there was no room at any of the inns.

The master creator showed up on earth to save us from the walls we had built between ourselves and God. His arrival was hardly noticed, but for centuries to come, people would celebrate this single, momentous, yet ignored occurrence- one of the most significant events in human history. This event is what we call Christmas. 2,000 years ago most people missed it.

Are you missing Christmas this year?

I hope I'm a threat

2008-12-04T15:25:00.000-08:00

I know that many of you are not avid readers, excepting the obvious blog reading...lol. But I LOVE the Harry Potter series. I know that other Christians condemn the books; but there are so many truths in there, and Paul said that whatever truth there was in the world, that truth is ours. Harry Potter is ultimately about good overcoming evil against all odds. That there is more going on in the world than you see at first glance. A short explanation for what I want to talk about: Harry Potter is a teen-age boy who stands in the way of the evil Lord Voldemort who is attempting to become immortal; his greatest fear is death and so he has and is attempting to overcome it. It is prophesied that Harry Potter is THE ONLY ONE who can rid the world of Voldemort and his followers. (WHY he is THE ONE is interesting and another point entirely) Voldemort vanished the night he attempted to kill Harry as a baby. Anyway, maybe I haven't explained this well enough, but as a Christian, when you read these books there is an OBVIOUS allusion to Christ and Satan. That there are two sides fighting, and there is a choice that everyone has to make as to where their allegiance lies (Harry or Voldemort). At this point in the story (that I'm quoting below) Voldemort is still in hiding; working his plans out by stealth at the moment. Very few people believe Harry that Lord Voldemort is back. They remember what it was like the last time he was in power; chaos, deaths, etc. The world they understand is nice, neat, under control and Voldemort-free. Voldemort being back (existing) would shake up their entire world, so most people are in denial. Harry is trying to convince people that Voldemort is back, but society sees him as a lunatic. The following is taken from "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix":

Luna Lovegood: [about her father] We believe you, by the way. That He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (Voldemort) is back, and you fought him, and the Ministry and the Prophet are conspiring against you and Dumbledore.
Harry Potter: Thanks. Seems you're about the only ones that do.
Luna Lovegood: I don't think that's true. But I suppose that's how he wants you to feel.
Harry Potter: What do you mean?
Luna Lovegood: Well if I were You-Know-Who, I'd want you to feel cut off from everyone else. Because if it's just you alone you're not as much of a threat.

I think that's how Satan wants us to feel. When we're going against the "norm" to serve God with our lives...he wants us to feel like we're crazy and alone in the fight. I've felt like this many, many times over the years. Especially lately. But there is a war going on, even if we can't see it with our eyes. There is a spiritual war going on for people's eternity. We fight for spiritual significance, but Satan wants us to give up and just "go along with the flow" in life. No matter what battle or fight you are in right now, remember, you are not alone.

realizations

2008-11-17T07:55:00.000-08:00

About 2 years ago at this very time, Daniel and I began to feel a possibility of a calling to be church planters. We had an amazing youth ministry and people we loved that we'd have to leave behind, but we were going to finish my degree at ETBU in youth ministry and then possibly start a church...and we were going to be there in Marshall with our very best friends; Jeff and Sarah and Jenni as well as my brother/friend; Tim. It was going to be great; we were going to change the whole world! And things began to deviate from the plan almost immediately. Sarah found out she was pregnant, which was wonderful and amazing, but would definitely make things different and possibly harder when moving and finding a job. Daniel confessed his sin to the church to take a break from ministry earlier than planned to beat this sin and work on our marriage. We all moved. Then I found out I was preganant! Again, wonderful and amazing!! I could still go to school and we could still start a church. Then I had a threatened miscarriage, and I would never forgive myself if I had continued school and lost the baby (even if it hadn't been my fault). So I quit. We found a new home and job. We helped start an amazing small group. The group was sooo diverse in age, political/religious views, and where we were in life; but we challenged each other, and it was amazing. Our marriage was restored with much work, prayer and faith (and Jeff and Sarah). Tim and Jenni got engaged; one of my best friends would now be my sister!!! I had our beautiful daughter Hannah. And they changed the degree I wanted at ETBU. I couldn't get what I had been going for and I didn't want or need the degree they changed it to. And all along, Daniel and I are going stir crazy wanting to do ministry again. Or more ministry than we had been doing. We felt like we were supposed to come here to Ennis for a youth position or to start a church possibly. I felt like God was asking a lot from us; but I felt that if we did this, we'd get to do what we were made for...whatever that was. We'd have to leave our best friends in the whole world...but we felt like God would "make up for that" in some way.

And in that thought of entitlement; that God would make up for that sacrifice; I have felt severely disappointed. "I gave up everything He's asked for...and for what?!" We have no youth ministry position....we haven't started a church nor do we know if we ever will or if we're even supoosed to! We have no idea what in the world we're supposed to be doing right now.

But I do know what we've done (and what God's done) since we've moved here. Lots. Tim/Jenni and Jeff/Sarah have become very close since we've left. Usually, I get jealous, badly. But I think that maybe that needed to happen without Daniel and I being around. Who knows. Also, I know this sounds silly and immature; but I became very dependent on Sarah. She's helped me through and with so much; I couldn't imagine life without her. And I mean that seriously. I never said this to anyone besides Daniel; but I DID NOT want to leave Marshall unless it was with Jeff and Sarah. And then we'd just move to where ever they went and we'd do whatever we'd do..together. But moving away from them, I've realized that I still need Sarah very much; but it's GOD who's going to be with me the rest of my life, no matter what. (It would still be cool if the Nortlepats foundation started, but it's whatever..lol) I need to depend on God more; no matter what or who God blesses me with in this life. There's more God's taught me...but on to other things.

Since we've moved here and not had a job; I've been able to take care of my niece, Kaylee. My sister would have to find a stranger who could be trusted and reliable to take care of her precious daughter with a flexible schedule (because of Carolyn and Nick's work schedule.) I get to help in this way, and we get some income as well! Also, Daniel's 67 year old Dad is trying to finish building their house in Bay City. He would have had to be doing this by himself, but Daniel has been able to go down there to help him finish it, and spend valuable time alone with his Dad. This would have been impossible in any other situation. AND, my mom is going to be having surgery that will have her bed-ridden for quite awhile. My dad works night shifts and will only be able to take care of her for a little bit during the day. But since we're living here with them, we will be ready made servants to take care of her!

I don't know what we will be doing for the rest of our lives. I don't know if we're going to do youth ministry or eventually start a church somewhere. But I know that God doesn't waste. He doesn't waste time, and He doesn't waste hurts. He has multiple reasons for His actions; and He has plans so big sometimes that only a God as big as He is can see them.

Decorations!

2008-11-13T14:06:00.000-08:00

Well, I don't have a house (of my own) to decorate, but I can decorate here! And there's Christmas music too! Yay! Go technologically-illiterate me!!

The wierdest questions

2008-11-07T06:50:00.000-08:00

I think Jesus asked the weirdest questions sometimes. Like when the woman with the blood disease touched the edge of His robe and she was healed...He asked who had touched Him. He's all-knowing, right?! Why'd He ask? Didn't He know who touched Him? And then many times Jesus asked people what they wanted from Him (the blind men, the mother of Zebedees's sons, etc.) Didn't He know what they wanted?!

I believe He did know all these things. So why did He ask? Jesus was really good at asking the right questions. He had reasons for why He asked certain and specific questions. I think it's a really good thing to question. And yet it seems in Christianity today, it's sacrilegious to question things. I even heard on a children's "Christian" cartoon Chaz was watching today say that we should "have faith and never doubt." What?! Really?! What kind of a faith is it, if it can't withstand questions? How strong can it be if you can't take it apart, check out the details and put it back together?

I'm asking a LOT of questions lately. I'm not getting a lot of answers. Like I said in very early post, I wonder if our questions to God are like asking if yellow is square. So maybe I'm asking the wrong questions. Like Dr. Holloway has said, it's not "why does God allow evil in the world?" but rather, "What is our God doing about evil in the world?" I need to re-think my questions. Maybe I've been getting answers the whole time, but they are answers to questions I SHOULD be asking. Does that make sense?

P.S.- We've lived here almost 6 months now. That is not at all what we'd planned. But then there's James 4:13-16 that we've learned and lived for quite awhile now.

All I Can Say

2008-11-03T06:22:00.000-08:00

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet
by David Crowder

sorry

2008-10-28T09:25:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry. I've been so negative lately. There's nothing positive being poured into me, and I'm not seeking it out either. I don't want to be "fake happy", but I don't want to be used by Satan either. So...yeah.

Love me when I am broken

2008-10-20T07:15:00.000-07:00

So...we've left Baylor (our recent church home) and visited another church yesterday. Being a visitor is always so awkward. Anyway, since we haven't been going to Baylor lately, some of our "friends" (in quotations bc we haven't known them very long and are really acquaintances in growth...lol) have called or dropped by asking why we haven't come back, where we've been. And as I take a big breath, and tell them that they will probably never see Daniel and I the same way again...I tell them our story. Daniel's betrayal and lies, his redemption and victory and our story of how God wants to use us in some way; but how some people tend to judge and act out of fear and ignorance.

And then I wait for the response...

...and I have never had to wait more than 2 seconds before the wife (or husband if he's there) says; "Us too." And then they tell us their story of failure and hurt. Or how they are still in the midst and it all looks bleak. And how they thought they were the only ones. And their righteous anger of how we've been treated seems to sadly justify their fears of why they'd been keeping this secret. What do we do with this?

Fall Down by Jennifer Knapp

Judge Me Not Ye Saints
For My History May Be Tainted
But I'm Sober Enough To Know Blood When I See It
I've Borne My Share Of Stones
Most Of Them Easily Thrown
But Who's To Deny
Your Water-Shed Side
Leading Me Home?

CHORUS:
What Am I Supposed To Do About It Now?
Past Regrets And Long Laments, They Find Me Somehow
O, What Am I Supposed To Do About It Now?
What Have I To Do But Fall Down?

To Spy From Far Away
May Seem That I'm One To Betray
But O, How I Try
The Spirit To Guide
The Promise You Made

CHORUS

Hold Me Up
Never Let Me Go
Love Me When I Am Broken
And Speak To Me

Help!!!

2008-10-07T08:04:00.000-07:00

How do you know if roadblocks in your life are from God; trying to tell you to stop and go another direction...or from Satan; just trying to get in the way and stop you from doing God's will???

How do you know if you should stop going down this road or if you should push on even harder?

I really need some prayer and advice on this.

Homesick

2008-10-02T07:20:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, my parents would often go on "weekend trips" to visit relatives or friends and we'd head back home late Sunday night. It would be dark (night) and a long way home so I'd usually fall asleep in the back seat. It always happened that I'd wake up about 15 minutes from home when we'd exit off the highway. And I would look bleary eyed out the window to find familiar landscape marks that let me know that we were almost home. Home..where it was warm, safe and all my things were there waiting for me. Where my favorite food was. Where my favorite toys were. Where my pets were. Familiar again. Do you know that feeling? Such a good, warm feeling, you wish you could bottle it up and feel it again and again?

I miss that feeling. I'm not a little kid anymore...but I'm still homesick. Oh, not for any particular place; though I've loved every place we've lived. I long for some sort of home...here on earth and otherwise. I want to find "home" again...for myself and my family. A place where Chaz and Hannah can have their own toys, favorite foods and pets. I want God to provide that for us, and someday He will....I just wish it was soon.

But I know I'm not supposed to really feel at "home" anywhere here. I'm not made to function perfectly in this fallen world. This isn't what God had planned, I know. I hear the echoes of Eden and I long for home...though I can't quite put my finger on what that would look like, you know? But I know that it will be perfect. People (including myself) won't have prejudices and personal agendas...we'll truly put others before ourselves. We will see each other the way God sees us. To be in perfect relationship with Him instead of days or weeks of silence. Taylor talked about the day of death being better than the day of birth...and I agree that we can't wrap our limited human minds around that. But something inside of me that God purposefully put there isn't content with the best day on earth, but that KNOWS there's something more out there. When creation is restored and Eden is a reality...THAT will be a homecoming day!

And we have a part...Jesus taught us to pray: "Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven." That means we are a part of bringing heaven to earth. We are a part of restoring creation (including mankind). We are a part of the remedy and rescue. We're on the long drive home...the scenery seems vaguely familiar..as in a distorted mirror. But there's something inside of us pushing us on, calling us home...telling us to do something drastic and amazing..because that's what it's going to take to get there. Home...whatever that is.

"Friends, this world is not your home, so don't make yourselves cozy in it. Don't indulge your ego at the expense of your soul." (1 Peter 2:11)

quirkiness and then quietness

2008-09-30T06:44:00.000-07:00

First the silly:

Seven quirky things about me:

1. When I do dishes, I have to arrange my legs to stand like a flamingo. I don't do it consciously, and I've been doing it for as long as I can remember.

2. I never buy regular coffee at Starbucks. I figure if I can do it myself, I'm not going to pay someone else for it.

3. I like my milk really, really cold...so sometimes I add ice cubes to a glass.

4. I hate wearing sunglasses. I won't do it no matter what.

5. I always forget to turn the oven off when I'm through baking. Someone else always comes in after me to do it.

6. I have to go to the bathroom twice every morning. About 15 minutes apart.

7. I wear blankets in the living room even when it's hot outside. I love blankets!

And on a completely different note;

Why is the church so silent on certain sins? We know that sins are wrong..we're preached at enough about how terrible and evil homosexuality is: but we're trained ZERO about how to help or reach someone who struggles with that. So what the church is teaching is: Tell them it's wrong and that Jesus wants them for Himself and that should be enough to "win them over to our side....we have cookies." jk

And as for lust? "It's wrong. It's devastating...it destroys marriages, families, etc." That's true. But so what? What good does that knowledge do? Why don't we ever TALK ABOUT IT?

I told you last post that 90% of men have or currently struggle with some lust issue. That's a very high number. When I heard that the first time, I blew it off as an excuse some guy was making for why guys are perverted. And then I heard that statistic in a different book. Then I heard it quoted at a marriage conference. Then I read it in a youth magazine. Then another book. And so after awhile I finally accepted it. I even asked other men (not my husband) if they thought that statistic was realistic...and they each said yes.

So if 90% of men (not just men, but Christian men) struggle with this, why is the church so silent on it? If 90% of Christians were dying of AIDS, you think we'd do something more active about it? Think there'd be way more programs and small groups to prevent and stop this destructive epidemic? You bet. So why don't we? Why are we so silent? I've been doing some research (through books and personal interviews) and here's what's come out about why we don't talk about serious lust issues in church:

The number one reason? Women don't want to hear or acknowledge it's true.

We don't want to think it's OUR husband, father (in-law), son (in-law) or friend that struggles with this! It's always someone else's ______. (fill in the blank) Women are not wired to be sexual in the same way as men are. God did create us differently. Women are not commonly very "visual" sexual beings. There are a high percentage of women who also struggle with pornography and masturbation, but we just ostracize them too. So they don't talk about it either. (although in my small circle of godly women, I know 3 who've admitted to me that they do or have.) We don't understand the struggle, so we don't know how to deal with those who do. So we keep it as far from us as possible.

Number two? Men don't want to tell the women in their life, because they know it will hurt them. So they tell themselves: "I don't want to hurt her, so I'll beat this on my own, and she'll never have to know." Some of you, PLEASE admit that you've heard this so my readers will know that I'm not the only one out here, or that I'm making this up. Christian husbands truly do love their wives despite this sin, so Satan tells them to keep it secret a little longer. "I'll tell her once I've beaten it, no use hurting her in the middle of this." But secrecy only empowers the sin.

Number three? Men think only seriously fallen or non-Christians struggle with this..not godly men who are struggling. So if you're the only guy consistently going to church with this sin, who can you tell? You're the only one with this struggle, no one will understand. They'll just judge you. You even begin to doubt your salvation. Satan will do whatever he can to keep this sin secret and enslaving you to him.

There are other thoughts people have expressed, but these were the top three. 90%. Ninety percent. That means, think of 10 men you consider godly in your life. Only one of those men have never struggled with this. ONLY ONE HASN"T. Maybe it is your husband, father (in-law) son (in-law) or friend who is the one percent. But the other 9 statistically have. Let's be generous....Let's just say 5 0f those men have. Or lets just say 2. Aren't those 2 men in your life worth figuring out what to do about the sexual sin that's destroying our future and present church leaders and their families? At one church (I won't say which) we had two deacons come and admit to us that this has been a SERIOUS struggle for them in their recent past. They were fathers who had sons and daughters, they were leaders in the church. At another church, the deacons in general admitted that it's a sin all men are tempted with and that they all struggled with, that's why despite knowing Daniel's past they accepted him as a leader.

As women, we need to move past our ignorance and disgust at this sin in order to break the silence and free those (men and women) who have accepted salvation, but are still slaves to this sin. Please help me figure this out, or pray for us along the way as we break the silence and work to "set the captives free" as Christ came to do. You have a part too!

disqualified?

2008-09-23T06:56:00.000-07:00

So..long story. I'll try to condense and still make sense.

Daniel had been into pornography since he was about 12 years old. He found his father's stash in his brother's room. I've learned usually sexual sin is generational, so this makes sense. Daniel found his mother dead in her bedroom when he was 8 years old. He grew up with a lot to handle and process with a father who didn't know how to help him. I'm not making excuses for my husband, I'm just explaining why sin was such an attractive substitute for coping with life. He told me about his "addiction" when we were dating in college, but I was a naive girl who knew nothing about this sin, so I thought; "Ok, he hates it, so he should be able to stop it." Six months into our marriage, his sin came into play again. I was devastated...we were newly weds, we had a healthy sex life I thought (sorry if this is too much info for some of you) But why a husband is into pornography has NOTHING to do with his wife..I learned...eventually. I thought I'd gained too much weight, I wasn't "sexy" enough, excuses, excuses. All the while, Daniel told me it had nothing to with me, but why should I have believed him, right? We were in the ministry, and I had no idea who to talk to. I thought Daniel was the only Christian guy who was struggling with this, and even though his sin was hurting me too, I didn't want anyone to unfairly judge him...I wanted help without condemnation. And I didn't think I'd find it in the church. So Daniel would fight this sin off and on with few victories...usually lying when he wasn't having victory consistantly. And he would fight alone, because we had to keep this all secret. We were the freaks dealing with this sin that no other Christians dealt with after all. No one else in church ever talked about their sins, so we didn't either.

We eventually moved to Tyler to do music/education and youth ministry there. After nine months Daniel felt heavily convicted and guilty about his sin. He knew he wanted to stop, but he didn't know how to learn to hate it enough. (I over eat...gluttony is a sin. I hate that I sin in this way, but I don't hate it enough to stop eating more than I need. You have a sin like this too. Insert it here instead of pornography. The consequences may be vastly different, but the root of sin is the same. Selfishness. Pride.) Anyway, we finally with much, much nervousness told our pastor. Daniel confessed everything to him, risking judgement, but hoping and asking for help. (I love this man, but here's what he said): "Yeah, that's bad alright. You've got to stop that." The End. That's all. Looking back, I think he was probably struggling with it too and didn't know how to stop or help anyone else stop either.

So, with time and Daniel still not knowing how to fight and beat this sin, we move to Arlington to do youth and music ministry. All this time, Daniel is questioning whether or not we should still be doing ministry, seeing as how in order to do ministry in most churches you have to pretend like you have your life all together. I mean, other people can confess their sins, but minister's can't. They have to be perfect in order to lead. Oh, we never say that, but that's what we teach with our actions. (NOTE: Let the ministers in your church be human. Let them know it's safe to fail.)

Anyway, after 2 years there. Daniel tells a small group that meets in our house about his sin. There are 3 other guys there that were about our age. Only one couple stays and talks to us about it. The guy talks to Daniel and eventually becomes one of Daniel's best friends who helps him learn to fight. Thankfully, Daniel doesn't feel so alone anymore in his fight. He learns that it is possible to beat this sin, that there can be consistant victory. We start going to marriage counceling. This helps Daniel SOOOOOOO much. He begins to realize that just with any other addiction, this sin is just a cover up for not knowing how to cope with life. (we all have something that we go to when we're stressed out...eating, shopping, gossiping, busying ourselves away from God...doing something to ease the pain; no matter how short lived the ease is.) Again, I'm not making excuses for him; I'm just saying we all do this to some degree. The consequences of our sins are very different, but it's all still putting ourselves before God and others.

In may of 2007, my great-grandmother died. Daniel, being in the ministry felt that he couldn't take off that Sunday to be with me in Ennis. so he stayed in Arlington and sinned. He told me soon after and we separated. I don't know what you're thinking, but at some point over 5 years, there had to be more consequences to pornography than just me crying and him saying he wouldn't do it again. When we started going to counceling, Daniel decided that if he sinned in this way again, I should leave him for a time. So, I did. It was THE hardest thing I've ever done. I got scolded for leaving him, I got encouraged to divorce him. There was very little middle ground at this time. Daniel confessed his sin to the entire church. The pastor and deacons first, then the church. That was part of the consequence of his sin, but he was also crying out for someone to really help him. And the church responded in a very unexpected and gracious way. They relieved him of his job, but allowed him to have a month to pack and move and payed him for the next 3 or 4 weeks too. They also payed a LOT of money for him to go to the "Every Man's Battle" conference. I'm not advertising here, but this conference literally changed his life. There he met pastors, ex-pastors, ministers and lay leaders of churches who struggled with this same sin. The statistic are that about 90% of men have at some point or currently do struggle with pornography and lust. 90%. Let me say that again: 90% That means your husband, brothers, fathers, sunday school teachers, pastors, mail man and doctor have or currently struggles with pornography and lust. BUT WE JUST DON'T TALK ABOUT IT.

Daniel has come a LONG way. We got back together 3 weeks later and continued marriage counceling. Daniel also continued counceling with an expert in this area for several months after this. We couldn't afford the counceling, but someone saw the efforts Daniel was making and paid for it for him. Strangely, since then we have found MANY other people who struggled with this too. Other married couples. Other youth ministers. And God has used Daniel to help them to find victory and freedom. Despite Daniel's selfishness and sin, God never gave up on Daniel. Even when I wanted to give up on Daniel, God wouldn't let me. Daniel has had consistant victory for a year and half now. He is walking in victory and freedom because he was honest and open about his sin. He got help, took it and gives God the glory.

We didn't know if we'd ever do ministry again. We thought we might be disqualified because of his past and disobedience. When we moved to Marshall last summer, I was going to finish my college degree and Daniel was going to find some kind of job to just get by. But then, we got pregnant unexpectedly and then had a threatened miscarriage. The doctors said that I could still go to school, but they couldn't promise I wouldn't lose the baby. They said that there was nothing they could do (I was only 8 weeks along) to stop the miscarriage. But I put myself on bed rest; and after two weeks, everything somehow went back to completely normal!! (It really was a miracle to us.) So, I dropped out of school because those two weeks were the first two weeks of class. Therefore, we had to find a place to live. (we'd been living in school housing) The ONLY job Daniel could find was for a music minister at the church we'd been at when we got married. They provided salary and a house for our family. Because we didn't know if we were supposed to do ministry again, we did everything we could to not get the job. We were completlely open with the pastor and deacons about Daniel's PAST struggles. And they admired him for being so honest and open. They took us in and loved us into healing...along with other friends we made there too. We had lots of trials this past year; we were robbed twice, our car crashed, my pregnancy had many (though minor, thankfully) complications; we learned I wouldn't be able to have any more children, Daniel's other part time job ended due to lack of funding...but Daniel never returned to his sin. He really is free...I never thought we'd be here....but we're walking in victory and it feels AMAZING. We are closer than we've ever been, and we're closer than most other married couples because we've dealt with this and worked through it together.

And yet, we may not be able to continue to do ministry. In May we left our church and the music ministry to pursue youth ministry again. We prayed about it for forever...we tested and tried to make sure we were correct in our desires. However, apparently because of Daniel's past; so far no church has wanted us. The church we have been going to even asked Daniel not to volunteer with their youth anymore because "they want to keep their children safe.' Safe from Daniel?? What exactly does our church family think he's capable of??? I understand the naivety of sexual sin in our church, and the judgement that comes from that naivety...but here's what i don't understand:

-Daniel confessed his sin, no one "caught him" at anything

-Daniel never did anything illegal or inappropriate in or to the church

-Daniel received help and changed (dramatically) his whole life...this really is in his PAST. Not present.

-If Daniel tells a church about his sin, surely he'd be the LAST person to act out then. It's the people still keeping this sin secret that you should be worried about.

I thought the whole wonderful amazing news about Christ coming and dwelling with us, is that He can change us. Through us He can change the world...by changing us. But if people aren't capable of changing...then what's so amazing about grace?

The church crucifies their wounded. We have to keep our sins and struggles secret for fear of being stoned. That's why those "messed up" people outside of the church aren't breaking down the doors to get in our pretty buildings. They find more acceptance elsewhere. By no means am I saying that we should accept and condone sin within the church, but when someone confesses and asks for help...remove the plank in your eye so you can see better to throw your stone at someone for who they USED to be.

This wasn't short at all. Sorry :)

Let that be enough

2008-09-19T07:28:00.000-07:00

I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so hopeless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he's needy

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

Too high a cost?

2008-09-12T07:16:00.000-07:00

The cost of being transparent and real in your Christian walk = risk of being condemned by people