Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Changing Hands

Changing hands....I feel like that's what this whole past year (and more) of my life has been like. I would give God control of my life and try to leave my thoughts, worries and fears in His hands. And then after awhile, I'd notice that somehow I was holding them again. And my thoughts, worries, dreams and fears keep changing hands; between mine and God's.

Why is so *freakin* hard to leave things in God's hands? I mean, I know He's invisible and all...and that adds to the difficulty. But really: I trust Him with eternal security, yet I don't really feel safe about what's going to happen in my future. And maybe that's partly because of what's happened in the past. Now, i've made my own stupid decisions and I understand that I should have to deal with those consequences. But there are plenty of things I have to deal with that are the consequences of someone else's choices, and things that are the consequences of living in a "fallen world." Sometimes, to be honest, I just wonder who the heck God is. A situation in life comes up, and I pray for His will to be done, but I also mention what I would like to be done, just in case He's interested. And about 99% of the time, God acts in a way that seems completely contrary to what I expected. I would look through scripture to see what God has done in certain situations in the past...and then experience Him doing things that are different. I believe He's trustworthy, but WHY? Why is He so trustworthy?

I'm not doubting salvation or anything that important...I'm just having to learn so much so fast in such hard ways sometimes. I want to vent and see if anyone has any real answers or opinions. Or maybe just to hear that I'm not the only one who's not completely positive all the time, or who's not sure what it really looks like to follow this God who acts unexpectedly and illogically.

And at the same time..I'm grateful for this God. What kind of sense does it make to give Your only precious Son so that it's possible for selfish, sinful people who just want to use You to have a relationship with You? To be born in a barn instead of the Hilton in Maui? To trust messed up humans to spread the most important message in the world to other humans? It just doesn't make sense. I think it was Donald Miller who said that sometimes our questions to God are like asking Him if yellow is square. We just don't get it down here. But it's beautiful in the moments when we do...I'll cling to those.

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