It is still weird to me that we can eat at Chili's and look out the window and see *mountains.* (not like in Colorado, but there is definite elevation...lol) We drive to Wal-mart and pass mountains and buttes that make my ears pop. We have to drive at least an hour to get to most things around here. Wal-mart, Target, Bookstores, STARBUCKS!!! Most of the time when I'm looking up things, stores, etc...Big Lake, Texas is never on the map. Most of the time I have to click that neat little zoom feature to get closer...then closer...and *there* we are! It's so wierd to go from Arlington, which is smack in DFW hub to Big Lake which is zoom x 10 worthy. It's not on most maps.
That's how I've felt about life lately. I don't seem to make it on most maps. And sometimes, I wonder if I (or Big Lake) even make it on God's map. Am I noticed? Remembered? Thought of? Is Big Lake forgotten, and me right along with it?
The old quote goes, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation" Well, what if I don't WANT to be quiet about my desperation?!???? What if I want to be honest about my moods and volitileness? What if I make people awkward when I vent about how lonely I feel??? Is that really such a bad thing? When will I stop feeling like I'm on the outside here?
This won't last forever, I know. Eventually I'll make real friends here...God will do amazing things here too. You see, it took at least 1 year of living in Arlington to make a REAL friend my age (Jenni, you were a great *friend* but still a youth...Now you are a BEST friend!!). And two years to make 2 best friends that were real friendships. I was so lonely and depressed then, handling so much on my *own.* (with God when I'd let Him) But no one knew. I'm not a good liar, but I'm a good faker. (does that make sense?) Who was there to know me well enough to realize how much I was hurting? I had to fight not to feel like an outsider then too. In a town of 300,000 I felt very forgotten then too. Now looking back, I miss Arlington people and friends that i made there! But those first two years were very lonely and hard.
The difference between then and now is: I've had a taste of real friendship. I've sampled what community, the way God designed it; is like. And I want more. And I need it. And I want it now. Am I really going to have to wait two years??? I hope not. I hope to become significant to someone around here. Hopefully I'll make it on the map before 2 years. In the meantime, pray for me??