Friday, May 29, 2009

Not on the Map

It is still weird to me that we can eat at Chili's and look out the window and see *mountains.* (not like in Colorado, but there is definite We drive to Wal-mart and pass mountains and buttes that make my ears pop. We have to drive at least an hour to get to most things around here. Wal-mart, Target, Bookstores, STARBUCKS!!! Most of the time when I'm looking up things, stores, etc...Big Lake, Texas is never on the map. Most of the time I have to click that neat little zoom feature to get closer...then closer...and *there* we are! It's so wierd to go from Arlington, which is smack in DFW hub to Big Lake which is zoom x 10 worthy. It's not on most maps.

That's how I've felt about life lately. I don't seem to make it on most maps. And sometimes, I wonder if I (or Big Lake) even make it on God's map. Am I noticed? Remembered? Thought of? Is Big Lake forgotten, and me right along with it?

The old quote goes, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation" Well, what if I don't WANT to be quiet about my desperation?!???? What if I want to be honest about my moods and volitileness? What if I make people awkward when I vent about how lonely I feel??? Is that really such a bad thing? When will I stop feeling like I'm on the outside here?

This won't last forever, I know. Eventually I'll make real friends here...God will do amazing things here too. You see, it took at least 1 year of living in Arlington to make a REAL friend my age (Jenni, you were a great *friend* but still a youth...Now you are a BEST friend!!). And two years to make 2 best friends that were real friendships. I was so lonely and depressed then, handling so much on my *own.* (with God when I'd let Him) But no one knew. I'm not a good liar, but I'm a good faker. (does that make sense?) Who was there to know me well enough to realize how much I was hurting? I had to fight not to feel like an outsider then too. In a town of 300,000 I felt very forgotten then too. Now looking back, I miss Arlington people and friends that i made there! But those first two years were very lonely and hard.

The difference between then and now is: I've had a taste of real friendship. I've sampled what community, the way God designed it; is like. And I want more. And I need it. And I want it now. Am I really going to have to wait two years??? I hope not. I hope to become significant to someone around here. Hopefully I'll make it on the map before 2 years. In the meantime, pray for me??


JenniD said...

I miss you Mary. I miss being in the same city as you. But, I do know what a true friend is thanks to you. Whether or not I will find another friend like you...not likely...but at least I know how it feels to be cared for deeply and loved like a true friend! About coming to the birthday party...well my new job has me working Fridays and sometimes on Saturday...I'm not positive if I will work that particular Saturday but I know I will work that Friday. BUT, Tim helps his boss mow this huge plot of land every other weekend, and so he will be working that Saturday, too :0(. Our summer won't be as relaxing as we planned...but rent must be payed! God definitely dropped my second job in my lap...I didn't even have to interview for it. Anyways, I miss you and I love you.

Party of Five said...

Woman...I love you and you need to be sure you are reaching out to your other real friends from other places right now. I will talk to you anytime anywhere. I know it's not the same as sitting with someone and having coffee or swapping babysitting favors or going out on a joint date together, but it's the best we got for now, and we have to make do. At least we still have the friends we made before! We've lived here 3 years and as much as I truly love some of the friends we've made, STILL no one in this town really *knows* me and I'm afraid they may not care to. You were my only real friend here and then you moved away and I dealt with some anger and resentment when it happened...but we can still talk and provide each other with a necessary support. All of my *real* friends are out of town and while it hurts so bad to grill by ourselves every week, I have to praise God that I have the sweet souls in my life that I do, because even 25 years ago I'd have never known the people I do. Anyway, please e-mail me, give me a call, message me on FB, SOMETHING. I really do long to be here for you and I really do understand your trials. I'm sorry it's so hard and I wish I could give you a big hug. How about after June 22nd, eh? ;)